The Patriot Post® · Are You Dreaming of a 'Green' Christmas?

Are you suffering from the climate blues? Are you waking up at night worried that Frosty the Snowman will be just a puddle of water thanks to fossil-fuel-induced global warming? Are you obsessively traumatized over the thought of parched Christmas trees going up in flames? Didn’t think so, but there are some who are. Courtesy of the folks over at The New Yorker, you and your clan can now harmonize together using “Climate-Change Christmas Carols.”

Some lowlights:

> FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, may he rest in peace, poor soul.
With his melted nose and his melted mouth,
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the Snowman, did you say his eyes were coal?
Can you pass that coal? We could use some coal.
Let us rob his grave for coal.

> OH, CHRISTMAS TREE, oh, Christmas tree!
Thy plastic branches don’t shed.
Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree!
We wish real trees weren’t all dead.

> SLEIGH BELLS RING, are you listening?
In L.A., hail is glistening.
In New Mexico, there is six feet of snow.
The desert is a winter wonderland!
Gone away is the West Side,
Here to stay is the high tide.
If you want to spelunk, San Francisco has sunk.
California’s now an underwater land!
In Mojave, we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Mom or Dad.
He’ll say, “Did your parents escape the horrific flash floods?,” and we’ll say, “No, man.
But you can be our new dad now.”

> I’M DREAMING OF an ozone layer,
Just like the one I used to know,
Which kept out UV rays,
Before aerosol sprays,
And allowed for actual snow.

> DECK THE HALLS of our mountain hideout,
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Hope all humans have not died out,
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Don our hazmat suits on tight now,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Oxygen is leaking right now,
Fa la—!

> CHESTNUTS ROASTING on an open fire,
Cars and houses roasting, too.
Our whole city is an open pyre—
Put those chestnuts away, we have to leave now.