The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
President Obama trailed a generic Republican by eight points in the Gallup Poll in the presidential race. A generic candidate would be someone with an unknown name and from no specific place of origin. Every four years we get a president we never heard of before.
President Obama reportedly stormed out of budget talks last week because Republican House Leaders kept refusing to raise any taxes at all. The options for raising federal revenue are limited. The president is thinking of ordering the TSA to sell all the naked pictures on eBay.
President Obama walked out of budget negotiations with Republicans. This is why we were so nice to Prince William and Kate last week. If they don’t reach a deal, the U.S. will be completely broke and forced to move back in with England until we get back on our feet.
Los Angeles returned to normal after the San Diego Freeway was closed prompting city officials to ask everybody to stay out of their cars for a day and a half. The silence was eerie. If not for the sound of small businesses folding the city would have been completely quiet.
The USC Trojans suspended running back Marc Tyler for telling celebrity gossip cameras outside a Hollywood nightclub that USC pays its football players. The university has been working overtime to erase its lawless image. As a result the player has been suspended without pay.
President Obama named Rich Cordray to head the new Consumer Protection Agency. It is tasked to pressure banks to make more loans to people with bad credit in the interest of fairness to all. It’s part of a new cabinet-level agency called the Department of Future Recession.
Michele Bachmann was reported to be taking heavy medication for her migraines and stress episodes. Democrats must have been so supportive about her candidacy because they were tipped off. They know everybody in the health care business.
Chicago Cubs manager Mike Quade was detained by the TSA for forty minutes during his flight home to Chicago from Phoenix after the All-Star Game. The TSA was immediately suspicious. They’re not sure whether an elderly nun in a wheelchair might be concealing explosives, but they know a Chicago Cubs manager has no legitimate reason for being at an All-Star Game.
The Weather Channel reported triple-digit temperatures Wednesday extending from the Midwest to the Eastern Seaboard. The heat combined with high humidity made life hard to bear. It’s so hot in Washington D.C. that Congress voted to have a fan installed in the debt ceiling.
John Edwards’s money laundering trial was slotted for October. He took donations from an elderly lady and used the money to cover up his mistress and love child. She offered to pay for his four-hundred-dollar haircuts and he just assumed that meant anything that made him look better.
President Obama will go on vacation in two weeks to Martha’s Vineyard where the Secret Service is working to ensure his privacy. It’s not easy. Right now they’re on eBay looking for an audiotape answering machine from the Eighties to keep the tabloids out of his voice mail.
New York Yankee Curtis Granderson bemoaned the lack of black fans at Major League Baseball games Tuesday. He said on an average night he and his teammates count only ten to fifteen black fans in the stands. Ever since the players agreement gave ballplayers a share of all stadium ticket sales, outfielders are getting hit in the head by fly balls while counting the house.
Coors had to halt delivery to every bar in Minnesota because the distributor didn’t get his license renewed in time before the budget impasse shut down all state services. They can get along without Coors. They don’t need a beer can to tell them when it’s cold in Minnesota. Miller Beer paid off the student loans of Christian Lopez who caught Derek Jeter’s three thousandth hit and gave it to Derek for free. The young man gave up a ball that was worth half a million dollars. In New York that’s about enough money to get your hopes up, but that’s all.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton