From The Comedy Store
President Obama asked Americans to unite around the White House n his Thanksgiving Day address to America. Reporters quickly noted he neglected to thank God. Now that reporters have him safely re-elected, they can tell us what they really think.
Hillary Clinton flew home to Washington D.C. in time for Thanksgiving after she’d stopped a war between the Israelis and Gaza militants. The sirens still sounded two hours after her plane left for the U.S. It was to warn Bill that she was on her way home.
Black Friday lured one hundred fifty million Americans to stores last Friday. It’s a ritual as regular as the Anglican Cycle of Prayer. Thanksgiving is followed by Black Friday which is followed by Cyber Shopping Monday, which is followed by Identity Theft Tuesday.
WalMart reported huge crowds of holiday shoppers. It always gets out of hand. On Thursday we give thanks for everything that’s meaningful in our lives and then Friday we go out and stab each other to save seven dollars on a Nintendo DS.
President Felipe Calderone asked that Mexico change its name from United States of Mexico to Mexico to help contrast itself with the U.S. Polls reveal six out of ten Mexicans think life’s better in the United States. The other four out of ten Mexicans already live here.
The White House Council on Economic Advisors predicted an uptick in employment across the U.S. this month. They predicted several hundred thousand new jobs will be created. The bad news is, most of those new jobs will require a beard, a red suit and a sack.
President Obama shopped at a book store to help support Small Business Saturday. He bought fifteen books. His tax policies and his health care law have been so brutal on small businesses the only way they can survive is if he shops there personally.
The White House received the Christmas tree last Saturday by a horse-drawn carriage from Virginia. Everyone in Washington is getting in the holiday mood. Senate Members agreed to hold a secret gift exchange this year with a ten-dollar limit on spending, but after one trip to the mall they voted to raise the spending limit to fourteen trillion dollars.
Jamie Foxx addressed the Soul Train Awards Sunday where he thanked his Lord and Savior Barack Obama. That can’t be true. If Barack Obama can heal the sick and raise the dead with the touch of his hand why on earth do we have to pay for health care reform?
Chicago residents saw packs of coyotes on Northside city streets for the first time in modern memory. They were near Wrigley Field. They used to live on the South Side but all the predators are moving north because the gunfire keeps them awake at night.
The Powerball Lottery jackpot reached five hundred and fifty million dollars before Wednesday’s nationally televised drawing. Every ticket-holder wanted to win before January. If the jackpot had rolled over into next year it would have only been worth fifteen dollars after taxes.
The White House reported its December holiday plans include a traditional Hanukkah ceremony. It’s a beautiful ritual. Every year President Obama says a prayer and lights the candles on a Menorah and then Joe Biden makes a wish and blows them out.
President Obama hosted a lunch with Mitt Romney at the White House on Thursday where they discussed ways to improve the economy. However, there were strict dietary laws which had to be observed. Mitt Romney’s religion doesn’t allow him to drink poison.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton