From The Comedy Store
The White House allowed Susan Rice to withdraw her name from consideration for Secretary of State. No one doubts her ability. Susan Rice lied to the American people on all five Sunday talk shows, breaking Hillary Clinton’s one-day record by two interviews.
A Wells Fargo bank in Virginia was robbed by a man in a Mitt Romney mask two years after it was robbed by a man in a Hillary mask. They can afford it. In 2008 a guy in a George W. Bush mask walked into the same bank and left a hundred billion dollars on the counter.
Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln got the most Golden Globe nominations. America’s sixteenth president was some character. In his time Lincoln was nicknamed Honest Abe and the Great Emancipator but nowadays he’s better known by his rap name, One Cent.
Mob movie director Martin Scorsese announced he’ll make a documentary on Bill Clinton. The president was raised in Hot Springs, Arkansas, which was a hangout for Chicago gangsters. This is a story of how they all ended up together in Washington D.C.
Hillary Clinton bumped her head and suffered a minor concussion, forcing her to cancel testifying to Congress about the Benghazi attack. No one thinks she’s faking an injury to avoid testifying. Everyone thinks she’s faking an injury to get workman’s comp.
The Mayan apocaplypse caused thousands of Californians to dig survival shelters. It’s so simple. They dig a hole in the yard for shelter, strike natural gas without knowing it, and then as soon as they light the fireplace for Christmas the Mayans were right.
Hollywood came under pressure from parent groups to reduce the violence on TV shows. TV content is a partisan issue. As a rule, Democrats object to the violence and Republicans object to the sex, which explains why there are more Democrats than Republicans.
President Obama named Joe Biden to head a task force to search for the solutions to gun violence by next month. The first rule of politics is, if you want nothing done, name a task force. If you want to make sure nothing’s done, put the vice president in charge of it.
Apple announced it sold two million iPhone 5s in China in three days last weekend. The iPhones are made in China and then shipped to California and then returned to China. It would get all the blame for the shifting ocean currents except liberals love Apple.
Danish historians found a previously unknown book written by Hans Christian Andersen in Copenhagen. It’s a never-before-published fairy tale. It tells the story of an American president who convinces fifty-one percent of the country that higher taxes will create jobs.
President Obama warned U.S. credit will be downgraded if Republicans don’t okay tax hikes. His plan is to tax the rich, ignore the debt and increase spending. Standard and Poor’s won’t degrade U.S. credit but they did name Confederate bonds their Pick of the Week.
NBC News reporters Richard Engel and his camera crew are safe after their capture in Syria. Engel said his captors kept asking him which of his cameramen he wanted to see killed first. It’s the same thing NBC puts him through whenever the ratings come out.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg Sunday gave eighteen million shares of Facebook stock to a medical research foundation. It’s quite a gift. The stock is worth five hundred million dollars, unless anybody tries to find out if Facebook advertising is worth anything.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton