From The Comedy Store
CBS News ran a poll asking people to state Santa Claus’s political party. The opinion split. Republicans say Santa’s a Democrat because he hands out free stuff, and Democrats say he’s a Republican because he’s an old white guy who runs a non-union shop.
Senator John Kerry was nominated by the president to be the next Secretary of State. The current Secretary of State couldn’t be there. Hillary Clinton had a previous commitment across the city teaching the Washington Wizards how to flop and draw a foul.
Senator Joe Lieberman predicted that U.S. lawmakers and the president will take America over the fiscal cliff. Then we don’t need John Kerry as Secretary of State. He should be the Treasury Secretary since he’s the only one who knows how to paraglide.
Harry Reid adjourned the Senate to see a screening of Lincoln with Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis and all U.S. senators. He called the screening an opportunity for bi-partisan fellowship. Everybody enjoyed a civil war with an ending instead of a cliff.
Hillary Clinton ducked Congress saying she caught a stomach virus which made her dizzy which caused her to fall and hit her head which gave her a concussion making her unable to testify about Benghazi. So she escaped.
The Senate held hearings on the administration’s failure to protect the U.S. consulate in Benghazi from attack last fall. Cables show the attack was predicted and ignored. The White House has admitted that mistakes were made, but maintains that no one made them.
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre called for cops to protect schools, saying bad guys with guns can only be stopped by good guys with guns. The clock is ticking on both sides of the argument. Republicans can’t lose the gun vote and the Democrats are determined to do something about all these shootings before they bring back prayer in public schools.
The Texas Highway Patrol was sued by two women they pulled over for littering and gave a full-body cavity search. It’s a federal policy now. Homeland Security just wants to give the people who choose not to fly the equal opportunity to be humiliated.
Mexico released U.S. Marine Jon Hammer from prison after four months. They jailed him for carrying an antique shotgun over the border. The Mexicans hadn’t seen an antique shotgun since the battle of the Alamo and they’re still a little sensitive about it.
The National Retailers Association reported huge retail sales last Saturday in malls and super-stores. The reason why is a little embarrassing. When the Mayans turned out to be wrong and the world didn’t end Friday, Americans had a lot of Christmas shopping to do.
Prince Harry flew his Apache helicopter over an enemy stronghold and killed a Taliban commander with a Hellfire missile. He’s making progress. Prince Harry is twenty-two behind President Obama’s score but he did it in person and that counts for ten.
President Obama played golf with life-long pal Bobby Titcomb in Hawaii Sunday. He was arrested in Honolulu last year for soliciting a prostitute. It speaks well of a president when he’s got a friend who’s willing to undergo Secret Service training to help protect him.
David Gregory displayed a thirty-round magazine on Meet the Press, which brought the Washington D.C. cops to the NBC studio. It’s illegal to have a high-round magazine in the nation’s capital. When news broke that David Gregory was caught with a magazine that’s illegal in D.C. everyone just assumed that his mother found a National Review under his bed.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton