From The Comedy Store
GOP senators vowed to delay John Kerry’s confirmation until Hillary Clinton testifies about her role in the terrorist attack on Benghazi. She blames a concussion for her delay. It’s ironic for someone who successfully ducked this for three months to hit her head.
President Obama signed an executive order in the White House granting Vice President Joe Biden a six thousand dollar a year pay raise. No one begrudged the hike in salary. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny you pay him.
Washington D.C. hotels reported plenty of occupancy available for President Obama’s second inauguration. The number of Inaugural balls has been dropped from six to two. The Inaugural guests don’t like the healthy menu any better than the sixth-graders do.
President Obama joked to ABC his main incentive to be president was to have armed guards around Malia on dates. It shows progress. This is a softer position that the one he originally held, that the girls couldn’t go to school unless they’re wearing burkas.
Hawaii governor Neal Abercrombie named Lieutenant Governor Brian Schatz to fill the late Daniel Inouye’s Senate seat. Liberals in Honolulu are angry he chose a white male over two Asian women candidates for the appointment. The governor explained that he wasn’t so much naming a white male as he was expelling a likely gun owner from Hawaii.
The L.A. police conducted a gun buyback, handing people one-hundred-dollar grocery gift cards in exchange for guns. It won’t change their murderous habits. The killers will just bring their gift cards to the grocery store and buy bacon for their families.
Wisconsin Potato and Vegetable Growers fired Olympic star Suzy Favor-Hamilton as their spokeswoman after she admitted moonlighting as a Las Vegas call girl. You can imagine the outrage in farm country. The Potato and Vegetable Growers get crop subsidy money from Congress in exchange for their votes, and they will not be represented by a prostitute.
Toyota agreed to pay two billion dollars to settle the lawsuits alleging sudden acceleration and brake failure in newer model Toyotas. They never malfunctioned in Hollywood. It’s because the Prius doesn’t go fast enough for the brakes to be a major issue.
President Obama was interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC. She named him one of America’s Ten Most Intriguing People. He seemed surprised that they did a twenty-minute video segment about his life and not a series of books by David McCullough.
Germany was reported to be deporting seniors to rest homes in Eastern Europe and Asia where care is more affordable. It caused some to gasp. People may think it’s barbaric but that’s what we use cruise ships for in America and no one complains.
The Justice Department reported that Mexico drug cartels are growing marijuana in U.S. national parks. It’s affecting the ecosystem as well as the wildlife. California bears no longer break into cabins just for the food, they now stay and watch cartoons for two hours.
A Connecticut newspaper published a map of all licensed gun owners in two wealthy counties. Thus it showed all the houses that weren’t armed. When night fell the burglars and the Bolsheviks were crashing into each other on the front lawns trying to get there first.
President Obama and Congress negotiated furiously to try to avoid going over the fiscal cliff together. Republicans don’t want tax hikes and Democrats refuse to cut entitlement spending and it looked like they’d die in each other’s arms. It’s such a great show Queen Elizabeth wore 3-D glasses to watch her colonists throw punches all weekend.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton