From The Comedy Store

By Argus Hamilton (Archive) · Saturday, September 4, 2010

Los Angeles sweltered in triple-digit temperatures when the Santa Ana winds came in off the desert. Tourists aren't mollified when you tell them that it's just dry heat. Their ovens back home have dry heat but they don't go there on vacation.

New York construction workers vowed not to help build the Ground Zero Mosque despite the jobs it would provide. The architect released a blueprint for the planned mosques and the sanctuary is very spacious. It seats a thousand pilots.

The San Diego Padres game was halted when a woman ran onto the field carrying a Mexican flag. The fans in the stands took a humanitarian view. They figured if she was smuggling pot across the border and into the stadium, it could help the umpire see again.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged the NFL to expand the season to eighteen games. This could help Washington D.C. become the permanent host city of the Super Bowl. After the game the president can walk across the street and throw out the first pitch.

The Gallup Poll last week showed the nation deeply split over President Obama. Democrats think he's Jesus and Republicans think he's Muslim. Now if just somebody thought he was Moses he could achieve Middle East peace by hosting three-way talks with himself.

Los Angeles schools opened their doors to a record-high number of grade schoolers. It was a crazy day in classrooms. A lot of first-graders broke out crying when the teacher asked them to open up their books and they couldn't find the on-button.

Japan beat the U.S. in the Little League World Series in Williamsport Sunday. It was just more vindication for Japan. The kids were inspired by a locker room speech from their coach, who told them to go out there and win one for the Corolla's braking system.

Miss Mexico Jimena Navarrete was crowned Miss Universe last weekend. The pageant was held in Las Vegas. The contestants were judged on beauty, poise and how well they walk in high heels, which is the same way Republicans will pick the next president.

U.S. combat troops began arriving back home from Iraq Sunday at airports in Miami and Atlanta. Some soldiers got off the planes fully armed with machine guns and full body armor. Those were the ones switching planes for their vacations to Mexico.

Hurricane Earl approached the coast of the Eastern Seaboard Tuesday. It can be rated no higher than Category Five. It must destroy a city full of Democrats while a Republican is president before a hurricane can be classified as a Man-Made Disaster.

President Obama put a new carpet in the Oval Office Tuesday lined with quotes from Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, MLK, FDR and JFK expressing collectivist sentiments. It seemed skewed. Everybody needs labor votes at some point during their political careers.

Michael Douglas discussed his throat cancer with Dave Letterman. His recovery will proceed in three stages. First the cancer is blasted into remission by radiation, then more radiation eradicates all remaining cancer cells, and then he apologizes for all the nasty things he said about nuclear power in The China Syndrome.

Washington Nationals star rookie Stephen Strasburg injured his pitching arm last week, which could sideline him for two years. He's already been paid a fortune in up-front millions. Luckily he plays in Washington D.C. so the waste of money went virtually unnoticed.

(c) Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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