From The Comedy Store

By Argus Hamilton (Archive) · Saturday, January 28, 2012

Jimmy Carter accused Newt Gingrich of using veiled racism in calling Barack Obama the Food Stamp President. He's furious. It was bad enough for Carter that he lost the title of Worst President in History but now he's losing the title of the Food Stamp President, too.

President Obama halted the Keystone pipeline, citing its potential harm to underground aquifers in Nebraska. He said he's a committed environmentalist. Barack Obama is so committed to recycling that he's promising hope and change in his next term.

Canadian Premier Stephen Harper told President Obama that canceling the Keystone oil pipeline means the oil will go to China. That may not be so bad. This could end up actually lowering energy prices once China teaches children how to refine crude oil.

Hollywood threatened to cut off donations to President Obama for not backing an anti-piracy bill. No wonder the lavish White House party with Johnny Depp was kept secret. Obama didn't want Hollywood to know of his connections to the pirate community.

Michelle Obama dined out on her birthday and ordered a steak, French fries, Caesar's salad and cake. It's called setting an example. No one wants to mention the size of the steak, but the restaurant does not make you pay for it if you can eat the whole thing.

President Obama delivered his State of the Union to a joint session of Congress in the U.S. Capitol House chamber on Tuesday. He began the speech by saying the state of the union is good. It's always a smart idea to start your speech with a joke to get the crowd on your side.

President Obama hits the road today to highlight his first term successes. He got rid of Osama bin Laden, he got rid of Anwar al-Awlaki, he got rid of Moammar Kadaffi. It would guarantee his re-election if somebody would just re-name our top problem Nation al-Debt.

U.S. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky refused an airport body scan in Nashville Monday after something mysterious inside the left leg of his pants triggered the metal detector. Everyone else knew what it was. All of the Pauls travel with a musket and a tri-corner hat.

NBC News held a GOP debate in Tampa but the network told the crowd not to applaud, cheer or laugh during the debate. The crowd sat completely silent through all their best lines. Only comedians who've told Obama jokes in Los Angeles know the feeling.

The Supreme Court ruled police must obtain a warrant before they can attach a GPS tracking device to a car. The ruling freed a cocaine dealer. The government is not allowed to know everywhere you go and everything you're doing unless they're giving you a tax credit for it.

U.S. Navy SEALs killed nine Somali pirates Tuesday while rescuing hostages during the State of the Union address. You couldn't miss the go signal. President Obama said he envisions an America where everyone gets a fair shot, and then he winked three times at the camera.

Warren Buffett was revealed to own the railroad that'll transport Canadian oil to Texas now that Obama's canceled the Keystone pipeline. It's all clear now. President Obama will only say it's really unfair that the railroad engineer has to pay a higher tax rate than Warren Buffett.

The Detroit Tigers signed slugger Prince Fielder, giving him a nine-year deal for two hundred and twenty million. It's not as much as it sounds. He only wanted one hundred fifty million to play ball in Detroit, the rest is for the security system on his house.

(c) Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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