Taliban Offers to Bring Peacekeepers to Chicago
WASHINGTON, DC – As negotiations for the US withdrawal from Afghanistan have once again come to a halt, the Taliban Supreme Council has offered to level the playing field by sending a group of 400 battle-hardened Taliban peacekeepers to the U.S. city of Chicago, to help pacify one of the most violent regions in the Great Plains area of the North American continent.
With many years of combat experience in violent areas of their own country and having fought rebels, insurgents, villagers, urban militias, rival drug lords, as well as Soviet and American occupying forces on foot, horses, camels, donkeys, and trucks, they may be just what the Chicago city officials need to pacify their own population and bring the recently publicized murder rate under control.
Details as to the logistical challenges have yet to be worked out, but already many US officials are expressing support for the idea.
“It’s heart-warming to see the human interest the Taliban has taken in the plight of our inner-city minority residents,” said Michael Dristun, a State Department analyst. “We’re all excited about getting a fresh perspective on how to bring peace to rough, volatile neighborhoods.”
Ramadullah, a concerned Taliban chieftain from the Swat Valley in Afghanistan, who follows the local tradition of only having one name, said that his people are “very troubled by the social problems in Chicago and simply want to help.”
“We read the war stories coming out of Chicago and we ask ourselves, ‘Why are they still fighting when their tribal chief has been elected President in 2007 and then also in 2012?’” Ramadullah said. “In our own country, we stop killing each other once we win elections. Well, mostly.”
While no easy answers are expected, Ramadullah assured he knows how to keep the kill rate in check.
“When my advisors come to Chicago, all crime and murder will disappear once we impose Sharia Law,” said Ramadullah, referencing the traditional form of Islamic jurisprudence.
“After the first dozen or so public executions at Wrigley Field, even the stupidest man will understand we mean business. Then we start getting some real change.”
The Taliban chieftain also sees hope for places like Detroit, whose fleeing residents have left entire neighborhoods utterly abandoned. A healthy Afghan solution to this problem would be to enroll young people into a mandatory agricultural rehabilitation program.
“Goats are good companions and can live anywhere. Put them in the cities, and they will control the weeds, as well as keep the youngsters occupied and entertained,” Ramadullah said. “Young Americans will be less tempted to rape and murder others for fun if they have goats around.”
Cautiously celebrating the Taliban offer as its latest diplomatic victory in Afghanistan, the White House has described it as “a positive, responsible step towards ending colonial occupation of yet another Muslim country by the imperialist Yankees.”
This article is a satirical collaboration of The People’s Cube authors under the collective name of Igor Toutellalai.