Grassroots Commentary

$100M for Brain Mapping: Do Politicians Have One?

The People's Cube · Apr. 8, 2013

With the launching of the BRAIN Initiative to map the human brain, we at The People’s Cube can’t help but wonder if his results would match our previous findings: The Democrat brain is radically different from the Republican brain.

In the beginning of 2006, the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.

As we contacted the scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center who conducted the study, they showed us blood-chilling CAT images of grotesquely deformed brains that had been allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment, proving without doubt that Republicanism was a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.

In a deformed Republican brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) become miniaturized – while some undesirable regions get bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe).

Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that a constitutional republic is the best known form of government, capitalism creates wealth, American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, all people desire liberty and prosperity, Third World countries ought to be self-reliant, moral standards are absolute and objective, parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, the individual supersedes the collective, and other similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane.

Everyone knows that the exact opposite is true.

As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.

Karl Marx Treatment Center researchers are optimistic about finding a vaccine that will prevent this anomaly among children and the marginally afflicted, allowing their brains to be equal in structure, size, and content with those of progressive individuals.

A Center spokesperson indicated that the following therapies have proven effective in clinical trials, and will benefit those in need of treatment:

  • A class in Social Studies at Columbia University.

  • Regular intake of unbiased NPR programming (e.g., Fresh Air or News Hour)

  • Exposure to a healthy and nourishing culture, including heavy doses of the Vagina Monologues, or any of the award-winning movies and documentaries by progressive Hollywood filmmakers.

  • “Tough love” employment practices that will deny patients career advancement and higher-education opportunities while their brains self-heal to a normal progressive state.

If the above doesn’t work, the researchers recommend that the afflicted receive a free trial subscription to The New York Times. If they renew, they will be considered cured.

Additionally, a composite sketch of a progressive Democrat brain has been completed in a separate study, which took twice as much time and money because this type of brain is always subject to change.

Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from the former USSR, is the author of Shakedown Socialism, of which David Horowitz said, “I hope everyone reads this book.” Oleg is the creator of a satirical website, which Rush Limbaugh described on his show as “a Stalinist version of The Onion.”

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