Obama Needs Your Sob Stories About Gov't Shutdown
President Obama needs your help to raise everyone’s awareness of how the government shutdown is utterly ruining everyone’s lives and destroying everything in its path, and all at the behest of those greedy, evil anarchists, arsonists, extortionists, bomb-throwers, flame-throwers, terrorists, fearmongers, hatemongers, hostage-takers, killers, murderers, and thieves that make up the Tea Party Republicans, who are holding their guns, including assault weapons, to the heads of the American people, strapping explosives to the chests of children, and chowing down on kittens and puppies and bunnies while forcing everyone else to starve to death!
How can you help? By clicking on this link and sharing your courageous story of how the government shutdown has affected you, or more specifically, what the Republicans are doing to terrorize and torture you and take away your right to all the free stuff that makes America great!
Only tales of terror, woe, desperation and despair will be accepted. Your story must include at least one sentence blaming Republicans. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, facts and coherence are not important – what IS important is how horribly you are suffering!
We also accept photo selfies of you holding up a sign telling Republicans in your own unique way that you want your government back.
Undocumented/Aspiring Americans, Non-Aspiring Non-Americans, and children of all ages are encouraged to submit! As you can see at the above link, there is absolutely nothing that says you must be at least 18 years of age or a U.S. citizen to share your story – because let’s face it, the shutdown affects EVERYONE on Earth!
We will not accept any of the following: Anything that blames Obama and/or the Democrats. Any accounts of self-reliance. Accounts of how people are making do. Of the many ways people are managing to get by without all that government, in its benevolent goodness and good benevolence, provides. Of the mythical resourcefulness that conservatives claim dwell inside every human as some sort of God-given free will crapola.
Anyone who says the government shutdown is affecting them in these or other so-called “positive” ways is a ten-Pinocchio, raging, flaming Pants-on-Fire LIAR!
What Could You Get Out of This?
If your story is pathetic enough, President Obama could use it in one of his speeches, and even mention you by name! And if Obama mentions you by name, you could become a media darling!
You could appear on all the morning talk shows, where they will fawn over you and ask you how you feel to have had your name and story mentioned by Obama, and who knows? They may even ask if you’ve ever considered running for Congress yourself! As a Democrat, of course, who will stand up for the people and take back our government from the Tea Party anarchists!
What WILL You Get Out of This?
But even if Obama doesn’t use your story, or you don’t become a media darling, one thing you are guaranteed if you participate: You will automatically be signed up to receive FREE daily e-mails for LIFE from the Obama Administration, the Democratic National Committee, AND Organizing for Action!
Each and every e-mail will be personally addressed to you and contain valuable information on how YOU can single-handedly help Obama continue the fundamental transformation of America that Americans, to include many aspiring and even dead ones, voted for!
Free. Every Day. And for the rest of your life. Best of all, no shutdown or sequester will ever stop those e-mails. So submit your sob story today!
Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is renowned and admired by the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything or whacking unruly proles with her shovel, she enjoys spending other people’s money, ginning up phony outrage, and playing moral authority and victim cards.