Grassroots Commentary

News From the Future

Mike Bunch · Nov. 12, 2013

Yesterday, out of curiosity, my wife tried to open the healthcare.gov website and got a big surprise. Unfortunately due to yet another odd “glitch” on the site, our computer started emitting sparks, and after a minute of some strange flashing and weird graphics, the thing completely rebooted. Now all my files, bookmarks, and emails are gone, but the really odd thing is, somehow the thing now functions as a time machine. I couldn’t resist exploring, and I noted some news items from the future. Here’s some examples…

From The Grand Prince, Augustus Emanuel, Principality of Chicago:

21 Obamatober, 2097: The violent crime rate in Chicago has declined dramatically in the last two years. Random gun violence has fallen by almost 40% this year alone.

A statement by Chief of Police Romulus Emanuel III said: “We’re seeing a major reduction in violent crime here. There’s nobody in the city left to shoot. Almost everybody in the city has been shot at least once, and most of them are in the hospital. The rest are hiding. Chicago’s gun control efforts are finally paying off.”

And this, from the Right Honorable Minister of Political Correctness:

5 Obamber, 2053: The MPC hereby issues the following edict: Effective immediately, when referring to our Great Leader, all persons are required to reference him by his full title: Pharaoh Obama, Our People’s Celestial, Heavenly Utterer of Truth and Excellence. The common acronym which has heretofore been used for this title is considered disrespectful and it’s use is hereby forbidden.

And, also by the MPC, Sports Division, the following:

18 Baracky, 2085: Today the Obamaville “Persons of First Nation Status”, formerly referred to as the Washington Redskins, (before the Great Rectification) defeated the Dallas “Bovine Caregivers” to claim the NFC Championship. Next week’s contest between the New York “Non Carbon-Emitting Sail Planes” and the Kansas City “Designated Leaders of First Nation Persons” will decide the AFC Champions. Super Bowl CXIX will be held on the 3rd of Michelluary. Attendance at designated viewing stations is mandatory.

And, finally, this, from the Exalted Minister of Global Climate Apocalypse Mitigation:

11 Obamuary, 2177: Today the MGCAM, Al Gore VII, the Great Great Great Great Grandson of the legendary Al Gore, made the following statement:

“While it is true that the Earth’s weather for the last 165 years has been perfectly normal, it is a matter of settled science that this fact statistically proves the certainty that any day now we may all be destroyed by a 1200 foot rise of the oceans, followed by asphyxiation due to a sudden 800% rise in CO2. Abandon all hope. All persons are hereby directed to cooperate with emergency measures to be announced by the Department of Relocation beginning next week sometime. Failure to comply will be deemed an act of Terrorism.”

…and then suddenly I woke up, drenched in a cold sweat. I remembered that I felt awful when I went to sleep last night, and realized that all this was just a very bad dream. I learned one thing from it: never, ever, buy clams from some guy parked on the corner in a pickup truck. Then again, I’m not completely sure it was a dream. When I turned on my computer this morning, my desktop picture of our grandkids had mysteriously disappeared, and this is what I found in it’s place:

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