The Patriot Post® · The Bible: A Kid's Version

I’ve told you this before but I get over 200 emails almost every day. If I tried to answer all of them I wouldn’t have time to do much else but I promise I do try to read them because they teach me stuff. A lot of my friends send me some other types of email that are exquisitely funny. In Sunday’s stack was a missive from one of the finest Christians I know that was entitled, “The Kid’s Bible.”

I’ve always been real leery of anything even remotely sacrilegious. I believe very strongly in Jesus Christ but when they open the Big Book on Judgment Day I figure I’ll have some sort of starring role because me and the Lord know I figure pretty big in that book already.

But as I read what you are getting ready to, I laughed and laughed because it reminded me so much of myself, not to mention my friends like Chris Keene who once very straight faced told us he had a mimosa growing out the top of his head. It turned out it was actually a small carcinoma – not a tree – and a soon a dermatologist fixed him right up.

I’m not a kid anymore but I’ll admit I still daydream in church sometimes. That’s how you get key words mixed up. So let’s pretend a mischievous kid was suddenly hit with a “pop quiz” in school and was ordered to write an immediate term paper on the entire Bible.

According to an email that is making a wild run on the Internet, this is what he might write:

* * *

“In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is One,‘ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

"He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

"Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

"One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

"After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

"Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

"God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

"One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

"After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

"After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

"During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

"Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

"Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.”

* * *

Lord, forgive me, but keep in mind it’s only because I’ve studied the Bible do I know how really funny this quick version is.