The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
Republican Bob Turner stunned Democrats by winning Anthony Weiner’s vacated Congress seat in Brooklyn, and a Republican candidate also won a seat in Nevada in a blowout. Two new GOP lawmakers will be taking their seats in Congress today. President Obama has created two jobs and for the first time he deserves all the credit for it.
Tom Brady called upon New England Patriot fans to get drunk before Sunday’s home game with San Diego. There was no public outcry. A quarterback who threw for five hundred yards the previous week can say anything he’d like as long as he doesn’t kill dogs.
NASCAR officials announced the sport will attempt to go green by planting trees around the track and on the infield. This is insane. If the drivers crash into just one of those trees it could end their PGA careers and cost them two hundred million in alimony.
President Obama told a North Carolina crowd if they love him they must help him pass his jobs bill. The president’s emotion was real. Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it looks increasingly likely that in a year he’ll be one of them.
Democrats in Washington whispered that the party would be better off if Obama didn’t run for re-election. They said he might be persuaded to become head of the World Bank or the International Monetary Fund. Republicans believe he should be made Secretary General of the U.N. and let the world’s governing body figure out where he’s from.
Peyton Manning got stem-cell therapy in Switzerland on his injured neck. Fat cells from the stomach are used to regenerate old cells and make them new. Nobody realized until now that Americans had the fountain of youth hanging over their belt buckle.
NASA reported that a six-ton U.S. satellite will fall and crash to the earth. It could just fall from the sky and kill anyone in the country without warning. Wherever it lands, the White House will send out a statement saying we killed another terrorist leader.
The London Telegraph reported the world’s premier sperm bank Cryos has stopped taking sperm from redheads due to lack of demand. That will change. In today’s world if you don’t want to have a child with a hundred and fifty siblings at school, ask for a redhead.
The Department of Health released statistics showing a huge shift in U.S. drug habits. For the first time more people died from prescription drugs than illegal drugs. The Jackson family never should have published that book of Michael’s favorite recipes.
President Obama’s speech calling for tax hikes sank the stock market two hundred points. His speech to Congress sank the Dow two hundred points. He could save the Pentagon lots of money if he’d start giving speeches about reforming the Chinese Navy.
The Justice Department was cited by a U.S. auditor for spending four million dollars on snacks and pastries at ten DOJ conferences in one year. It’s expected. They’ve been going around the country confiscating medical marijuana and the pastry bill just followed them.
President Obama took credit for the Arab Spring in a U.N. speech. He said what’s happened in Egypt, Libya and to bin Laden proves that peace can come without violence. Apparently Osama bin Laden was killed by a yoga instructor from the Navy SEALs.
The Secret Service caught a guy who successfully leaped over the White House fence near the western gate. It didn’t end well. The fence jumper was caught and wrestled to the ground by federal agents and then ushered back to work in the Oval Office.
© Copyright 2011 Argus Hamilton