The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
New York police began an investigation after learning that thirty pounds of cocaine was delivered to the United Nations mailroom last week. The drug makes you euphoric, aggressive and ultimately paranoid. They put it in the coffee at the U.N. like sugar.
Warren Buffett’s secretary did talk shows after her tax rate became an argument for higher taxes on the rich. It came out he pays her half a million a year. That’s sixty grand to be his secretary and four hundred and forty thousand not to turn over the books to the IRS.
Apple Corporation made history when its stock hit four hundred fifty dollars a share. It pushed Apple past Exxon as the world’s highest-valued corporation. It was a long bloody battle but Americans have finally made a choice between texting and driving.
Los Angeles was the rumored destination of the St. Louis Rams as new stadium talks in Missouri bogged down. L.A. developers downtown are planning a retractable roof stadium. That’s so if it’s sixty-nine degrees outside, we can enjoy the game at seventy.
Indiana’s Ener1 electric car battery manufacturer filed for bankruptcy after they got a hundred million in U.S. loan credits. They blame a lack of demand for electric cars. They’re too small, they’re too quiet and the Obama bumper sticker blocks the rear window.
Newt Gingrich was sued by an L.A. music publisher for playing Eye of the Tiger as his campaign song without payment or permission. It’s the theme song from the movie Rocky III. The Democratic music moguls are all socialists till you try to share one of their songs.
The National Academy of Science warned Tuesday that pythons released in Florida’s Everglades are wiping out local species. They surround their prey and squeeze them to death. They’re cut loose by the political parties every four years after they’ve been defeated in the primary.
San Francisco Airport became the first in the nation to offer air passengers a yoga room in which to stretch, relax and decompress. There’s a need for it. Most of the San Francisco bath houses stopped offering the Downward Facing Dog pose in the Eighties.
Joe Biden said he opposed the bin Laden compound raid because the ID was sketchy. Spy photos looked like him but there was pot in the garden. Everyone agreed it could be Osama bin Laden or Willie Nelson, and the president has no use for either of them.
NFL chief Roger Goodell admitted to CBS News Sunday the NFL is socialist in the way the teams evenly share TV revenue. He’s right. However, six hundred guys splitting up ten billion dollars isn’t exactly the way Karl Marx diagrammed the play on the chalkboard.
Kodak had to ask that its name be taken off the Hollywood theater that hosts Oscar night due to Kodak’s bankruptcy. There’s a lesson here for the Democrats. After twelve years of being associated with the biggest names in Hollywood, Kodak has lost everything.
The White House said that lawsuits may force it to release the Osama bin Laden kill video. The courts are rushing them. They didn’t want to release it til they finish the computer animation that put Barack Obama’s face on the Navy SEAL who pulled the trigger.
Sandia National Lab scientists in New Mexico invented a rifle-fired bullet that guides itself to its target. The rifle scope paints a red laser on the target and the bullet corrects itself in flight to hit it. By nightfall, the Justice Department was giving them away at the Mexican border.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton