The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
The NFL held its college player draft that aired live from Madison Square Garden on ESPN. Each top-tier quarterback got a long-term contract and a huge signing bonus. Their agents refused to let them take less money in the pros than they got in college.
TSA screeners at Los Angeles airport were charged with taking bribes to let couriers smuggle drugs through the X-ray machine. What idiots. They were busted when two pounds of cocaine was hidden in two balloons and the TSA couldn’t resist groping them and they broke open.
U.S. Marine Gary Stein was dismissed for making disparaging comments about Barack Obama. If you’re in the armed forces you’re not allowed to criticize the Commander-in-Chief. That is one of the reasons the president favors legislation to draft the whole country.
President Obama was accused in GOP ads of running for president to fundamentally alter the free enterprise system. A candidate’s motives aren’t always clear. Today, we know that John Edwards ran for president just to party with the Secret Service.
President Obama headlined the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday. They all feasted. They ate six hundred pounds of roast beef, twelve hundred hearts of lettuce, a half ton of green peas, eight hundred sweet potatoes and the White House dog is missing.
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents. They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers, or go to strip bars. The rules say that from now on if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
USA Today says teens are converting bathroom hand sanitizer into pure alcohol and drinking it. They can also make crystal meth with three over-the-counter products. Whoever says American kids are lagging behind in science underestimates us at their peril.
Texas Governor Rick Perry weighed in on the GOP primary race and threw his support to Mitt Romney for the GOP nomination. It was a courageous call. He also predicted that North Vietnam would eventually outlast South Vietnam and capture Saigon.
Mitt Romney was joined by Rudy Giuliani in a visit to a Lower Manhattan fire station. They addressed the number-one issue of the election. The firemen confirmed once and for all that the pet Dalmation prefers riding on top of the fire truck to being eaten.
Wells Fargo branches received envelopes with white powder in the mail. They were supposed to arrive on May Day but arrived a day early. Postal workers are so afraid of government cuts they’re advertising they deliver white powder to targets faster than Federal Express.
President Obama was interviewed on NBC News about the Osama bin Laden raid. He’s nothing if not stately. President Obama refused to re-frame the raid to incite partisan passions, saying simply that the killing of Osama bin Laden was for Trayvon.
Mitt Romney scoffed at Obama’s claim he wouldn’t have ordered the raid on bin Laden, saying even Jimmy Carter would have okayed the raid. That’s true. However, Jimmy Carter’s helicopters would have been diverted down to Saudi Arabia to pick up cash for his library.
President Obama admitted to a biographer that in his book Dreams of My Father he compressed the personalities of six former girlfriends into one. It was kind of dishonest. If you could turn six girlfriends into one, Bill Clinton would still be president.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton