From The Comedy Store
President Obama’s convention speech was moved inside due to the threat of bad weather. There was zero percent of rain in the forecast. If you want to know why pro athletes get paid so much money it’s because it’s not all that easy to fill a stadium.
Bill Clinton brought down the house with his speech at the Democratic convention in Charlotte. It was like old times seeing him back in action. After the speech he went into the bar and asked for the usual, and the waitress gave him a restraining order.
Barack Obama walked onstage to thank Bill Clinton after his barn-burning speech. As they walked off together, someone up front shouted how nice it was to have God back on the platform. They both spun around and said that it was nice to be back.
Tom Brokaw was hospitalized after feeling light-headed during an MSNBC interview. He’s okay. He had appeared on Fox News eight hours before and you can’t switch from Fox News to MSNBC that quickly without wearing a pressurized oxygen mask.
President Obama enjoyed a five-point bounce in the Gallup Poll after the Democratic Convention. They deployed a brilliant message. Democrats convinced TV viewers that qualifying for food stamps is a sign that you’re better off now than you were four years ago.
India announced it’s allowing its first two McDonald’s restaurants to open in New Delhi but they won’t serve meat. The customers have an advantage in India. If you are unable to figure out how to work the Happy Meal toys, technical support is a local call.
FAA official John Hickey was busted for warning FAA air traffic safety workers that if they don’t vote for President Obama they’ll lose their jobs. Air traffic controllers will just pass the threat down to the airline pilots, who’ll pass it down to airline passengers. By early November, swearing to vote for Barack Obama will be a condition of landing safely.
Utah’s Wasatch Brewery announced it will brew and bottle President Obama’s home beer recipe. They copied the recipe off his website. Obama always wanted to know what it feels like to be a rock star, and now that his work is being downloaded for free, he does.
CBS sold ninety percent of all its Super Bowl ad time slots at seven million dollars a minute. The recession didn’t go away. This year, instead of the pre-game coin toss the players are going to play rock-paper-scissors to see who kicks off and who receives.
Peyton Manning led the Denver Broncos over the Pittsburgh Steelers on NBC Sunday night. TV ratings were huge. Americans were hungry to see two sides giving each other concussions over something besides women’s reproductive rights and health care reform.
The FBI spent one billion dollars on a new facial recognition system that can identify U.S. citizens on security video in public places. It breeds a distrust of government. This is why every Barack Obama joke begins the exact same way, by looking over your shoulder.
GM discontinued selling the Chevy Volt, saying it costs fifty thousand dollars more to make than the selling price. It’s not the end of the cost for the taxpayers. Every Chevy Volt that’s retired gets a two hundred thousand dollar a year government pension.
President Obama spoke at the White House to denounce the attacks on U.S. embassies. The president was resolute. He added a statement saying it’s unacceptable to insult anyone’s religion unless it refuses to pay for free birth control for its employees.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton