From The Comedy Store
President Obama toured hurricane-struck Atlantic City wearing his brown leather commander-in-chief jacket. The president’s words were calming and resolute. He believes that Hurricane Sandy and all hurricanes ought to have access to contraception.
Hurricane Sandy downed cell phone towers on the East Coast, rendering iPhones completely useless. It left people without e-mail, Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Everybody just stared into their palms for days and remembered the good times.
The New York Marathon was canceled due to the storm damage. These runners got no respect. They’d looked pretty lame compared to everybody else in New York running down the road at the same speed carrying appliances and home entertainment centers.
The White House was given an appraised value of two hundred eighty-five million dollars by realtors, down by fifteen million from six years ago. Here’s why. There is a lot of crime in the neighborhood and that’s just next door in the Treasury Department building.
Congress turned its attention today to a budget deal to avoid the fiscal cliff looming in December. A new report says duplicate programs cost U.S. taxpayers billions each year. Congress was so interested in this study that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.
Senator Robert Menendez was named as a sex client by two hookers last week. They said he offered them five hundred dollars but only gave them one hundred. He explained that in Washington D.C., U.S. Senators and prostitutes give each other professional discounts.
Libya’s election commissioner observed U.S. election polling places Tuesday and said he couldn’t believe that no photo ID was required at the polls in the United States. We do require it to get on an airline. This is why plane travel has fewer crashes than the economy.
ABC’s Diane Sawyer slurred words and giggled during Tuesday’s election return. She seemed drunk. After the non-drinking, non-smoking Mormon lost the election to the homebrew-drinking, chain-smoking president, she wanted to be on the right side of history.
President Obama issued a stirring plea for unity during his victory speech in Chicago. His supporters cheered themselves hoarse in the ballroom. The mood was so jubilant in Chicago that everybody there agreed not to shoot each other until tomorrow.
President Obama’s supporters found out that he won thirty-nine percent of the white vote. That’s the same percentage of white Americans who play golf. Apparently President Obama hooked his first term so far to the left they agreed to give him a Mulligan.
The Staples Center got the green light to build its NFL Stadium in downtown Los Angeles. It will have a retractable roof and an indoor temperature of seventy-two degrees. This roof will keep Los Angeles fans warm when it’s seventy-one degrees outside.
Cleveland police report that a convenience store robber in suburban Warren took the cash from the cashier and told him to vote for Obama. The robber is really sorry now. As soon as he put the cash in his pocket Obama declared him rich and took it all.
Barack Obama picked up the phone to call Bill Clinton the moment he was projected the winner of the presidential race. The price was easy. All Bill wants is for Hillary Clinton to remain Secretary of State so she’ll be on the road for another four years.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton