From The Comedy Store
The Postal Service asked Congress for authority to close post offices more easily. They also want to end Saturday mail delivery. The Postal Service said last year it lost sixteen billion dollars, making it the most profitable department in the U.S. government.
President Obama supporters sent petitions to the White House website calling for any Americans advocating secession to be deported. Where will they go? What country on earth is going to take a bunch of rich, loud-mouthed white people who know their rights?
President Obama issued a proclamation declaring America Recycles Day, urging Americans to recycle paper, cans, and bottles. In honor of America Recycles Day he blamed Hurricane Sandy, the Benghazi raid, and military adultery on President Bush.
Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers’ strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
General David Petraeus testified before Congress. His life blew up after he flirted with a dinner guest in front of his mistress while his wife was looking the other way. House Members took notes as if their lives depended on it as he diagrammed the play.
A State Farm study said two-thirds of drivers under thirty still text and surf the web while they drive. Alcohol causes them fewer crashes. Watch for a new TV ad campaign asking yooug people to make sure that each car has a designated drinker behind the wheel.
President Obama toasted the end of decades-long dictatorship in Burma Sunday. It’s amazing. Just a year ago, no one could have guessed this week’s two headlines could be possible, that Burma has become a democracy and Lincoln is doing very well in theaters.
Hillary Clinton helped broker a cease-fire between Hamas miitants in the Gaza Strip and the Israelis on Wednesday. Doves still won’t fly near the place. What does it say about a peace agreement when two hundred people were killed in the celebratory gunfire?
Hillary Clinton flew to Israel and Egypt to try to broker a peace deal between Hamas fighters and Israel. It’ll be tough to keep U.S. troops out of the region. Once U.S. generals heard that there’s a Gaza Strip, they told their wives they’re going to a convention.
President Obama gave a big hug and kisses to Burma’s democracy leader and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi. He repeatedly mispronounced her name. Burma was once a province of India so if the Teleprompter was broken, tech support is a local call.
President Obama and Congress will begin budget negotiations Tuesday to avoid the pending fiscal cliff. Our elected leaders have run up a record sixteen trillion dollars in debt. If this were any other company in America that would mean it’s executive bonus time.
The Transportation Department blamed the recession for fewer people flying home for Christmas this year. They estimate a record seventy thousand Americans will travel by train. That’s a lot of people running along the tracks and hopping into open freight cars.
GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio ducked a question in Iowa asking him how old he thinks the earth is. Some say ten thousand years and some say four billion. The only thing we know is that California has had a little work done and it’s older than it looks.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton