From The Comedy Store
Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of wasting another week in the fiscal cliff talks. The president refuses to consider spending cuts while Republicans refuse to raise taxes. Ten percent of Americans polled are rooting for a settlement as the politicians approach the cliff, while ninety percent are rooting for gravity and a low tide.
Time magazine’s cover story on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell floated the idea of replacing the kickoff. During kickoff, three-hundred-pound men crash into each other sprinting at full speed. It is so violent that Bob Costas just suggested they use guns instead.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan named Mark Sanchez his starter despite back-up Greg McIlroy winning last week. Those are the team’s only two choices. Last week a federal judge ruled that Tim Tebow cannot be displayed in public because he is a religious symbol.
The London Mail uncovered the website Sponsor a Scholar that offers to pay college girls the cost of their annual tuition. In exchange the girls agree to have sex year-round with the site’s rich male clients. It’s a work-study program for a degree in Political Science.
Detroit’s city council demanded that President Obama bail out the city. The situation is dire. There are forty thousand vacant homes in Detroit and now the bears have been told they have to give half their picnic baskets to fund public employee pensions.
Hyde Park on Hudson stars Bill Murray as Franklin Roosevelt when he met his third mistress at a family picnic while secretly plotting a war in Europe. That was a president. Franklin Roosevelt was able to do everything Bill Clinton did, and he did it in a wheelchair.
John Boehner met with President Obama on the fiscal cliff. If we go over the cliff taxes go up automatically, and the only way to avoid the cliff is to do it manually. We are never going to solve this problem until we have a president who can drive a stick shift.
The White House joined the photo-video sharing website Pinterest in order to post inspiring quotes and images to explain key issues. The president’s taking over everything. By next fall, rooting for any team but the Chicago Bears will be a thought crime.
Newt Gingrich said the Republicans are ill-equipped to defeat Hillary Clinton in four years. He’s probably right. Americans are sure to put Hillary and Bill back in the White House if only as a make-good to comedians for eight long years of President Obama.
House Republicans and Democrats stayed deadlocked over whether to cut spending or raise taxes to save the economy. If they send us over the fiscal cliff, they will still get paid. Their salaries are guaranteed under the Americans with No Abilities Act.
USA Today reports sixty thousand Californians moved to Texas last year while forty thousand Texans moved to California. It’s a personal preference. Californians move to Texas for the low taxes, while Texans move to California for the low educational standards.
President Obama recognized the Syrian opposition as the legitimate representaive of the Syrian people. We’re all in. The president added that he has no plan to send U.S. troops to Syria, as if having no plan ever stopped a U.S. military invasion in the Middle East.
Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader was killed by a drone strike in Pakistan. He was the sixth number-two leader of Al-Qaeda we have assassinated by drone. It may not have done that much damage when you consider that our number-two leader is Joe Biden.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton