From The Comedy Store
WalMart reportedly sold out of guns in December after President Obama announced he will back gun control laws. Business people noticed. In a desperate bid to stay in business, Hostess just asked the president to order background checks on all Twinkie buyers.
NFL teams fired seven head coaches on the first day after the regular season, known as Black Monday. A lot of men have lost their million-dollar salaries. The owners broke the news to the coaches by saying you’re not losing a job, you’re gaining a tax break.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hospitalized to treat a minor blood clot Sunday in New York City. She’s described as doing just fine and improving rapidly. However Bill Clinton paid a visit to her hospital room, and minutes later he took a turn for the nurse.
President Obama signed an order making it easier for illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. What a moment. It was the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation and Barack Obama wanted to honor the replacement players.
Congress ignored spending cuts and agreed to raise taxes on the rich and to raise payroll taxes on workers. Who says the system doesn’t work? See what happens when the two parties can set aside their principles and do what’s best for them personally.
Minneapolis Airport cops arrested an American Eagle pilot for testing drunk. Ten thousand pilots are tested at work each year. The air traffic controllers ordered him to abort takeoff thirty seconds into the air after he forgot to board the plane.
Hillary Clinton’s life as a young House staffer on the Watergate Committee will be made into a movie called Rodham. She was always bright. When Nixon announced that he had a mysterious leg ailment that kept him from testifying to Congress about his role in the White House cover-up, Hillary wrote it down like she was stealing a joke for future use.
Promised Land with Matt Damon bombed at the box office. It claims fracking harms the earth. Moviegoers willing to pay four dollars a gallon and twelve dollars a ticket for a movie that promotes higher energy costs opted to go to a bondage club instead.
Apple Stores reported a record two billion apps downloaded by iPhone users in the month of December. There’s a reason Apple sales remain high. It’s because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the recession as they are to the people around them.
Joe Biden met the NRA, video gamers and entertainment execs at the White House to discuss ways of reducing gun violence. The First Amendment doesn’t allow the government to censor entertainment and the Second Amendment doesn’t allow the government to ban guns. If you want nothing done, the vice president’s always your man.
The Washington Post chided President Obama for nominating white men to be Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense and CIA Director. The president didn’t even notice the color of their skin. He just wanted to nominate three people who are anti-Israel.
Savannah gun stores were bought out of stock as residents of Southern states continued buying up guns and ammo. They’re ready for anything. Georgia is a right-to-work state, so armed school guards get to shoot without having to join the teachers’ union.
Congress hit a new low as Public Policy Poll showed Congress is less popular than a colonoscopy. They only asked the question of people who’d experienced both. It’s a mailing list of everyone who makes four hundred thousand dollars per year or more.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton