The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
The White House pastry chef quit saying Michelle won’t let him cook with cream, butter, sugar or eggs. Last week the Secret Service caught three men jumping over the White House fence. They were presidential advisors who’d heard the Popsicle truck coming down the street.
The president loves sweet food and fried food. The First Lady just flew to China for a week, giving President Obama time to open up secret peace talks with Paula Deen.
Toyota agreed to a billion dollar settlement with the Justice Department to settle sudden acceleration liability of the automaker. They’re protecting the stockholders. Toyota just introduced the five-year warranty, safe in the knowledge that the car will likely kill you by then.
Bernie Madoff gave a jailhouse interview in which he regretted his Ponzi scheme that bilked investors for twenty years. It doesn’t seem fair. Bernie Madoff is in prison for swindling Americans out of sixty-five billion dollars, and yet members of Congress remain free.
The National Geological Survey reported a dozen earthquakes struck central Oklahoma over the weekend. It’s alarming to many people. California was losing enough revenue due to runaway film production and now even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma.
Bill Clinton ripped a White House plan to turn over U.S. control of the Internet to a foreign consortium. It’s historic. It’s the first time Republicans have agreed with Bill Clinton since he passed NAFTA and it’s the first time Bill Clinton has ever rejected an international body.
Starbucks Coffee Shops announced that Starbucks has decided to add beer and wine to its coffee menu. They promise customers it will not change the coffee shop’s famed ambience. To keep prices proportionate, a bottle of beer will sell for a hundred and sixty dollars.
Senate Leader Harry Reid blocked a GOP bill to streamline thirteen federal job training programs into one national job training program. In his autobiography he tells he was raised in a brothel. Never in Harry’s wildest dreams did he think he’d grow up and get to run one.
The Census Bureau reported that the birth rate in the United States last year plummeted for the fifth straight year at a near record-low. Blame it on two-way ultrasounds. The pregnancy rate’s the same but babies see the size of the national debt and they won’t come out.
AP reporters and photographers attacked the White House for limiting press access to President Obama. The president prefers to go through social media to make news. It softens the blow if your announcement about doing nothing about Russia is accompanied by a cat video.
Obama flew to Rome to meet with Pope Francis in the Vatican where he certainly hopes to receive some spiritual refreshment from meeting the popular pontiff. The president is still in a state of shock over the loss of the Crimea. It ruined his perfect bracket.
President Obama gave a speech in Belgium to European Union leaders on Wednesday to give voice to U.S. ties to Europe. All the European leaders were there in Brussels except Russia, who only sent its foreign minister. Vladimir Putin doesn’t like to visit any country he can’t keep.
Moscow set off a tremendous fireworks display to celebrate the annexation of Crimea. Reaction was swift. The U.S. conducted NATO exercises in Poland, Britain activated spy satellites over the Ukraine border, and France surrendered to the nearest firecracker stand.
© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton