The Patriot Post® · 'Dear Burt...'

I don’t envy many people, but I did envy Abigail Van Buren her “Dear Abby” column. For years, she ruled the roost with her advice not only to the lovelorn, but to people having problems with their spouses, their siblings, their in-laws and even with their neighbors and co-workers, and she often got to do it in jokey fashion.

I happen to be great at giving advice to people, especially if I can make jokes about their troubles. And in a pinch, Abby wasn’t above simply sluffing them off on shrinks, priests and ministers. I, on the other hand, would never think to deal with sub-contractors. There is simply no problem I can’t deal with in 100 words or less, so long as it’s someone else’s and not my own.

For instance: “Dear Burt, I keep trying to send email to senators from other states, but they won’t accept them. What can I do? Frustrated in Kansas.”

“Dear Frustrated: I would enact a law compelling senators to accept email from one and all. After all, their decisions affect each one of us. In my case, I live in California, so matters of importance to me are of no concern to Senators Boxer or Feinstein. Recently, I tried to contact Lindsey Graham in order to ascertain why he is willing to confirm Loretta Lynch (aka Eric Holder in drag) to be the next Attorney General. Naturally, I couldn’t get through. What makes this practice particularly offensive is that my living outside their states never prevents these creeps from dunning me for campaign contributions.”

“Dear Burt: It seems to me that the Army tried Bowe Bergdahl several months ago on the charge of desertion, and yet I have yet to hear whether or not he was found guilty. What’s going on? Curious in Oklahoma.”

“Dear Curious: Like you, I am getting very impatient. It was last year that the other members of his squad went on Fox and swore that Bergdahl had deserted his post and gone off with the idea of joining the Taliban, forcing them to risk their own lives searching for him. It was, as you say, several months ago that a spokesman for the Army announced that the court martial had concluded. The fact that no result of the trial has been forthcoming has led me to conclude that he was found guilty, but that Obama has kept a lid on it, lest even the liberal media question his swapping five high-ranking terrorists for a traitor.”

“Dear Burt: Even though the presidential election is still a year and a half off, the Democrats and their stooges in the media have already started attacking Scott Walker simply because he appears to be leading in the polls. What can Governor Walker do about it? Annoyed in Oregon.”

“Dear Annoyed: Walker can do what I advise every Republican candidate to do; namely, put on his big boy pants. Any Republican who is not prepared to be pounded by the liberal pygmies should find another line of work. Instead of letting it get to him, he should learn to bask in the attacks. By his enemies, you shall know him. Walker and all the other candidates should learn to regard liberal critics the way great baseball players learn to accept the catcalls from the other team’s fans, as a tribute to their prowess. Keep in mind, they don’t boo utility infielders. Republicans should only start worrying when the liberal media praises them. A prime example was John McCain, who, in 2008, was hailed as a statesman by the NY Times, and evidently the fool took it so much to heart that he refused to run even a single TV spot tying Barack Obama to Rev. Jeremiah Wright and his racist church.”

“Dear Burt: Why is it that the GOP refuses to engage in any of the high-handed, but legal, machinations that Harry Reid employed when he was running the Senate? Fed Up in Wyoming.”

“Dear Fed Up: "Unfortunately, the GOP prefers to be the minority party because Republican politicians find it so much more comfortable whining about the Democrats than actually having to do anything themselves. But, then, unlike Democrats, Republicans very rarely agree about what actually needs to be done. As a result, they generally twiddle their fingers while waiting for the glorious day when the liberals regain power and they can get back to their whining.”

“Dear Burt: I read that the same day that Barack Obama flew to L.A. to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel TV show, Michelle flew to L.A. to appear with Ellen DeGeneres, but flew on a different plane, even though it costs well over $200,000-an-hour to keep those jets airborne. As a taxpayer, I resent this waste of my hard-earned money. Irate in Minnesota.”

“Dear Irate: I share your resentment. However, my outrage is diluted by the fact that, I, too, would do everything in my power to avoid being cooped up with either one of those creeps for 10 hours.”

“Dear Burt: For the past several months, on almost a daily basis, I have received an email that reads: ‘Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently entering the mystic realm of the future, she finds the answer. She tells him he will die on a Jewish holiday. When he asks her which one, she replies that it doesn’t matter, because whenever he dies, it will be a Jewish holiday.’ As a Jew, what do you make of it? Perplexed in Florida.”

“Dear Perplexed: Like you, I have received this joke too many times to count. It’s not funny, not because it’s in bad taste to joke about a president’s death, but because it makes no sense. In 2008, Obama received 78% of the Jewish vote. In 2012, even after displaying his contempt for Israel and its prime minister, he received 69% of the Jewish vote. For most American Jews, Obama’s death would be a cause for grief, for the rending of garments, not for celebration and the tossing of confetti. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but please keep in mind I only write an advice column, I’m not Sigmund Freud.”