June 29, 2015

Spelling Bees & S.O.B’s

I recently received an email from a reader named Roy who said that he wished he could put together a single GOP presidential candidate who had the best attributes of all the announced candidates without all the things there are not to like about them. He went on to ask how I would go about cobbling together this ideal composite. I agreed to give it a try, although I acknowledged that if I left out all the things I don’t like about the 15 or 20 contenders, I would be left with more spare parts than Dr. Frankenstein. The winner I came up with was someone who possessed Carly Fiorina’s intelligence, Marco Rubio’s smile and ethnicity, Dr. Ben Carson’s speaking voice, Scott Walker’s record as governor and public union-buster, Jeb Bush’s bankroll and my charm, good looks and sense of humor.

I recently received an email from a reader named Roy who said that he wished he could put together a single GOP presidential candidate who had the best attributes of all the announced candidates without all the things there are not to like about them.

He went on to ask how I would go about cobbling together this ideal composite. I agreed to give it a try, although I acknowledged that if I left out all the things I don’t like about the 15 or 20 contenders, I would be left with more spare parts than Dr. Frankenstein.

The winner I came up with was someone who possessed Carly Fiorina’s intelligence, Marco Rubio’s smile and ethnicity, Dr. Ben Carson’s speaking voice, Scott Walker’s record as governor and public union-buster, Jeb Bush’s bankroll and my charm, good looks and sense of humor.

Until recently, I confess I had never heard of the Duggar family. I accept that there is an alternate TV universe in which the Duggar’s “Nineteen and Counting,” the Duck Dynasty and so-called reality shows about people like the Kardashians and Bruce Jenner exist, but it’s a place I have no interest in exploring.

I only know about the Duggars and their 19 children because 13 years ago, one of their sons, then 14, confessed to inappropriately touching some young girls, including two of his sisters, while they were asleep. Until he confessed to his parents at the time, even the little girls had been unaware of his nocturnal activities.

But now, because the local police chief — who apparently either dislikes large families or was looking for a sizable bribe to help augment her pension — broke the law by handing over young Duggar’s supposedly sealed juvenile record to a tabloid, every hypocritical bottom-feeding member of the mass media has decided it’s open season on the family.

If you wonder why anyone would wish to condemn the Duggars and not the police chief, it’s because the Duggars are practicing Christians. Their sins are that they attend church, home-school their children and use the Bible as their owner’s manual. What’s more, they oppose both abortions and same-sex marriages. So naturally, as far as the media is concerned, all of that makes them far worse than Devil worshippers.

In fact, if like Muslims, the Duggars openly worshipped Satan, the same left-wing pundits would be defending them and venting their moral outrage on the police chief, and no doubt urging the Arkansas Attorney General to indict her.

Nothing beats sharing my own wisdom, but running a close second is sharing someone else’s unique observations. And as today happens to be Robert Fulghum’s 78th birthday, I am happy to offer his insightful observation: “If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you’ve got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. A lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat, and a lump in the breast are not the same kind of lump. One needs to learn the difference.”

Those, I’d suggest, who need to learn it the most are the various crybabies — blacks, illegal aliens, single women, homosexuals — who seem to dwell 24 hours a day on the presumed injustices personally directed at them, ignoring the reality that most of us are too busy trying to support ourselves and our families to even think about them, let alone concentrate on destroying their lives. The other part of this reality, however, is that we are getting sick and tired of dealing with their constant whining, while simultaneously having to pay their bills.

As a follow-up to my recent diatribe about modern movies, I would like to point out that although James Bond was merely one of several British secret agents, he was so legendary that every shmuck out to conquer the world or rob Fort Knox knew of his exploits, but apparently never thought to remove his belt, his watch or his ring, after capturing him.

What’s more, although he was the chief nemesis of every overly ambitious villain from Dr. No to Auric Goldfinger, they never spent even a minute watching him be sawed in half or devoured by their pet sharks. They always found the time to set the timer on a nuclear device, but somehow any excuse — from catching a plane that wasn’t about to leave without them or hearing the siren call of a tuna fish sandwich — was reason enough to deny themselves the exquisite pleasure of seeing Bond both stirred and shaken.

In what strikes me as the most implausible statement I have ever heard, Barack Obama apparently told David Axelrod “I’m the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office.”

If Axelrod weren’t a JINO (Jew in Name Only), he would have replied, “That’s very true, Mr. President, if that Jew happens to be George Soros.”

Finally, the recent Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie when 13-year-old Vanya Shivashankar of Missouri correctly spelled “scherenshnotte” and 14-year-old Gokul Venkatachalam of Kansas aced “nunatak.”

I hate ties, so if I had been in charge of the event, I would have insisted the kids try to spell each other’s name. Or perhaps even their own.

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