The Patriot Post® · Candidates for the Loony Bin

In a way it’s fortunate that two left-wing dingbats are fighting it out to replace Barack Obama. The fear that either Mrs. Clinton or Sen. Sanders could extend Obama’s betrayal of America by four or eight years is the best reason I have for voting for one of the six guys seeking the Republican nomination.

Dr. Ben Carson lacks the experience to step from the surgical amphitheater into the Oval Office, but at least he seems like a grown-up. I can’t imagine spending five minutes with any of the others, who come across like petulant children.

The fact that it is only February and that we might not settle on a nominee before the convention convenes in Cleveland in mid-July fills me with despair. I feel like the father of a large family heading off on a cross-country trip. Only instead of the kids asking the age-old question, I’d be the one constantly screaming “Are we there yet?”

We have Kasich, who spends all his time either bragging about single-handedly balancing the national budget 20 years ago or talking about how he’s going to play Mother Teresa to the nation’s dope addicts.

Then there’s Cruz and Rubio, who can’t quit squabbling for even a few seconds. It doesn’t help that they are both of Cuban heritage, nearly the same age, both Tea Party favorites and both first-term senators. It’s probably inevitable that they would take sibling rivalry to depths not seen since Cain and Abel.

Jeb Bush looks like the rich kid in school who can’t win an election because all the other kids think he’s a nerd, so his folks try to buy the class presidency for him by inviting all the other tenth graders to a lavish pool party. But in the end, in spite of all the burgers and hot dogs, he loses.

But worst of all is Donald Trump. Like every bully, he has his band of flunkies who are just happy that he’s not bullying them. They know he’s gross and boorish, but they mistake that for toughness and they labor under the delusion that it reflects well on them and makes them look tough.

They don’t object to his sexist comments about Carly Fiorina and Megyn Kelly. They don’t object to his vulgarity. They don’t even object when he claims that George W. Bush lied in order to get us to invade Iraq, and then, the day after he says it in a debate, insists he said no such thing. The inevitable conclusion is that he not only thinks we’re deaf, but dumb.

Trump also claimed that Jeb Bush said he would like to moon people. What Bush actually said was that he gets so little attention from the media that even if he pulled down his pants and mooned the members of the press, they wouldn’t report it.

It would be like saying that Trump had seriously threatened to shoot people because he’d bragged that his followers love him so much that he could shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue and it wouldn’t cost him a single vote.

To Trump’s ditto-heads, I say you’re free to admire him if you like, support him if you must, but you should at least acknowledge that you’re like coeds who develop a crush on a loudmouth braggart not because they believe he’s smart or decent or even a nice guy, but simply because he’s the school’s quarterback.

None of the preceding should be taken to mean that if Trump manages to somehow garner the nomination, I will be sitting home sulking in November. As bad as I think he is, Trump would clearly make a better president than the daffy duo duking it out on the other side.

Perhaps I’m hopelessly misguided, but I simply can’t imagine that the majority of Americans would vote for a lying harpy like Mrs. Clinton, who suffers from what a friend describes as “electile dysfunction,” or a self-proclaimed 74-year-old Jewish socialist. Keep in mind, though, that the last time I was this sure about anything was in 2012 when I insisted there was no way that the electorate would repeat the same mistake they’d made in 2008 after suffering through four interminable years of Obama.

Speaking of whom, one of my readers worries that Barack Obama will use an executive order to seat Eric Holder on the Supreme Court. I don’t believe he could get away with doing it or by slipping him in as a recess appointment. Part of the reason I feel that way is because the Supreme Court in 2014 ruled that Obama had overstepped his authority in appointing members to the National Labor Review Board during what he claimed was a Senate recess, but which the Senate insisted was no such thing. Moreover, on a Court that, until Justice Scalia’s passing, decided nearly everything by a 5-4 vote, the Supremes voted 9-0 against the tyrant’s unconstitutional ploy.

Something that has gone viral on the Internet involves an imagined conversation between a Muslim child and his bourka-wearing mother in Dearborn, Michigan. The child asks, “What’s the difference between democracy and racism?”

Mama explains “Democracy is when American taxpayers work hard every day so we can get free housing, free health care, free education and grants to build more mosques, along with more money in welfare payments than America’s retired workers receive in Social Security benefits.”

“But, Mama, don’t the Americans ever get angry about that?”

“Of course they do. That’s what we call racism.”

Every year, the Washington Post holds a contest in which it invites its readers to take a word from the dictionary, add or subtract a single letter, and come up with a brand new definition.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Intaxacation — “Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you suddenly realize it was your money to start with.”

Bozone — “The substance surrounding stupid people that prevents bright ideas from penetrating.”

Foreploy — “Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.”

Decafalon — “The grueling event that calls for getting through the day consuming only those things that are good for you.”

Glibido — “All talk and no action.”

Reintarnation — “Coming back to life as a hillbilly.”

The Post also has a yearly contest that calls for its readers to supply alternate definitions for common words.

Coffee –"The person upon whom one coughs.“

Flabbergasted — "Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.”

Circumvent — “An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.”

Abdicate — “To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.”

Negligent — “Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.”

Pokemon — “A Rastafarian proctologist.”

Oyster — “A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.”

Lymph — “To walk with a lisp.”