The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
Los Angeles police began raiding and closing down unlicensed medical marijuana stores last week. They met little resistance. By the time the police arrived there was nothing to confiscate but Twinkie wrappers and Cartoon Network program schedules.
Meg Whitman won the GOP nomination for California governor Tuesday. The former eBay CEO spent eighty million dollars of her own money that she made selling used electronics, jewelry and secondhand goods over the Internet. Californians reason that if we can’t have a fence on the border at least we can have one in the governor’s office.
The U.N. Security Council sanctioned Iran last week for its nuclear weapons program. Iran will find a way around the sanctions. If Barack Obama ever learned anything in Illinois he knows that there aren’t enough hours in a day to watch a crook.
British Prime Minister David Cameron flew to Washington last weekend where he urged President Obama to stop bashing British Petroleum. The president needs a reality check. Polls show that if Barack Obama forces Americans to choose between him and England he could reverse the American Revolution just in time for the Fourth of July.
The Weather Channel aired video of heavy flooding in Oklahoma City Monday. The president gave his standard reaction. You add that much water to an oil state which is populated overwhelmingly by people of British ancestry, and it becomes BP’s problem.
The White House worked with BP to set up an escrow account to pay the Gulf damage claims Monday. Escrow is the place where the money is held until the deal is completed. In Chicago, that’s usually the left inside pocket of a senator’s suit coat.
President Obama spoke to the nation from the Oval Office Tuesday to articulate his plans to clean up the Gulf oil spill. He wants it done fast. It’s important to get the oil cleaned up before the local wildlife mutates and starts voting Republican.
President Obama angered Britain with his BP-bashing Monday. He returned a bust of Churchill, insulted the Queen and opposes England in the Falklands. It didn’t occur to anybody until now that Barack Obama might have been born in Northern Ireland.
British Petroleum announced plans Monday to vacuum thirty thousand barrels of spilled oil a day. They’re using a new vacuuming boat. The salesman who sells that vacuum cleaner door- to-door is the only one in the country who is having a good year.
General David Petraeus fainted Tuesday while testifying before the Senate Armed Services Committee. He passed out while being questioned by John McCain. Apparently the North Vietnamese taught him a few tricks which ought to be licensed and regulated.
Joe Lieberman proposed a carbon tax bill designed to lower use of fossil fuels including oil. He said it costs less than a dollar a day. The senator said it will end our dependence on countries that don’t like us, which now includes Britain and Israel.
Nancy Pelosi moved into her new San Francisco office, costing taxpayers eighteen grand per month. It’s palatial. After she cut the ribbon to the office she announced that she’s bypassing Prince Charles and making Prince William the next Speaker of the House.
Pakistan detained America’s Gary Faulkner in Peshwar during his mission to kill Osama bin Laden. He had a Chinese pistol, hashish and a three-foot sword. It had everyone checking the record books to see what year he played for the Oakland Raiders.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].