Right Opinion

Just Biden Being Biden

Burt Prelutsky · Aug. 24, 2019

I have heard for years that Joe Biden is a very likable guy. I suspect he said it first and people just came to accept it, sort of the way they took John McCain seriously when the Benedict Arnold of the GOP labeled himself a maverick.

If by “likable,” people meant feebleminded, I can see where an argument could be made. Even so, if I had a prepubescent daughter, I wouldn’t let Biden get within 10 yards of her. The way he fondles every little girl who comes within arm’s length and sniffs their hair, if he weren’t a prominent politician, the guy would have wound up on the National Sex Offender Registry a long time ago. If he went anywhere near a playground, the schmuck wouldn’t be running for president, he’d be running for his life.

I know that some people don’t take President Trump seriously when he says he hopes that Biden gets the nomination and that the ex-Vice President is his opponent in 2020. But I think he means it and with good reason.

I suppose admitting to be a gaffe machine is preferable to trying to deny such an obvious truth, but do people really want to elect a President who can barely get through a sentence without saying something embarrassing?

It’s true that Trump, in speaking about the two recent massacres, said “Toledo” when he meant Dayton; but Biden went him one better by referencing the shootings in “Houston and Michigan.”

Furthermore, the gaffes can’t all be attributed to his advanced age, although if they could, that might be even worse in a presidential candidate. I’m sure that some people blamed his recent observation that “Poor kids are just as bright and as talented as white kids” on his 76 years, but that’s only because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 50 years or so, because when the guy isn’t sticking both feet in his mouth, he’s busy plagiarizing other people’s words.

Back in the 1960s, when he was attending Syracuse University College of Law, Biden was found to have used five pages from a law review article in a term paper without using quotation marks or attributing them to its author.

In a letter to the law school faculty, pleading not to be dismissed, Biden wrote (apparently on his own): “If I had intended to cheat, would I have been so stupid? I value my word above all else.”

Apparently it worked because Biden graduated in 1968. Apparently, the faculty members decided it would be the profession’s loss if someone who could cheat so brazenly and then lie about it was denied the opportunity to practice law.

Having learned nothing from the experience except that he could get away with it, Biden had to drop out of the 1988 presidential race when it was discovered that he’d delivered a speech identical to a speech that had been given a few months earlier by British Labour Party politician Neil Kinnock.

It seems that 2008 was a red letter year for Biden when in spite of spreading gaffes the way that Johnny Appleseed spread his seeds, he actually became the Vice-President.

Among the highlights of the year, you’d have to include a campaign rally in Missouri when Biden asked the audience to applaud State Senator Chuck Graham, and then called out to Graham: “Stand up, Chuck. Let ‘em see ya.”

Graham, a paraplegic following an automobile accident, was confined to a wheelchair. When made aware of it, Biden said: “Oh, God love ya. What am I talking about? I tell you what, you’re making everyone else stand up, though, pal. Thank you very, very much.”

In a similar vein, at the St. Patrick’s Day reception for then-Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, Biden first noted that the man’s mother had lived for a time in America, adding “His mom lived on Long Island for about 10 years or so, God rest her soul and, er, she’s what? Your mom’s still alive? It’s your dad who passed? God rest her soul. I gotta get this straight.”

At another rally, Biden said: “Look, this last minute economic plan of McCain’s does nothing to tackle the number one job facing the middle class, which happens to be, as Barack says, a three letter word: Jobs, j-o-b-s.”

At a third rally in 2008, Biden announced: “This election year, the choice is clear. One man stands to deliver the change we desperately need.” (No, not Chuck Graham.) “It’s a man I’m proud to call my friend, a man who will be the next President of the United States…Barack America!”

In an interview on CBS News, Biden criticized George W. Bush’s handling of the economic crisis, pointing out: “When the Stock Market crashed, Franklin Delano Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, princes of greed.”

A double whoops. In 1929, when the Market crashed, Herbert Hoover, not FDR, was in the White House…and TV didn’t yet exist.

During the 2012 campaign, while talking about Mitt Romney’s plans for Wall Street, V.P. Biden warned a predominantly black audience “They’re gonna put y'all back in chains.”

The same jolly nitwit, who’s always accusing President Trump of lacking decorum, celebrated Barack Obama’s signing of the Affordable Care Act by whispering into his boss’s ear (and also into an open mic): “This is a f—ing big deal!”

Not too surprisingly, after the recent massacres, Biden demanded to know “How many people do we have to kill before you agree with gun bans?” Those who want to give the old dude the benefit of the doubt assumed he meant to say, “How many people have to die?” but with the man’s track record, who knows?

Even more recently, proving he hasn’t lost a step or, unfortunately, gained one, he announced that “Poor kids are just as bright and talented as white ones.”

Clearly, the man isn’t qualified to be the Commander in Chief. But I’d hate to see his talents lost forever to a nation that more than ever needs to laugh.

Perhaps after the election, President Trump, in a move to unite the country, could appoint Joe Biden his court jester.


Because even Joe Biden can’t be expected to get all the laughs, Joe Neuner has passed along a few amusing one-liners:

“We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.”

“Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.”

“Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.”

“Vegetarian: The ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or light fires.”

“If guns kill people, then pencils and pens misspell words, cars make people drive drunk and spoons make people fat.”


Patrick Miano had the decency to warn me that along with his renewal check, he was including a terrible joke.

The joke: The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a man in Anchorage opened his door to find two Alaskan state troopers standing on his porch.

“We’ve found your wife,” the younger one said.

“Is she okay?”

The troopers exchanged looks and the older one said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some very good news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Better give me the bad news first.”

“I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning your wife’s body was found in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh, no!” said the man, as he began sobbing uncontrollably. Finally, when he regained control of himself, he asked: “What can possibly be the good news?”

“Well, when we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25-pound King crabs and five Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you’re entitled to a share of the catch.”

Stunned, the man said: “If that’s the good news, what’s the very good news?”

“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

Well, at least his check was good.

Don't miss Burt Prelutsky and other great columnists. Subscribe today!

Click here to show comments

It's Right. It's Free.