The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
Senate Democrats passed a financial reform bill which says nobody can sell a financial product that people don’t understand. From now on the only kind of lending that will be legal is loan sharking. Everybody understands a baseball bat.
President Obama named his chef a Senior Policy Adviser for Healthy Food Initiatives. He felt it imperative to give the chef a promotion outside of the kitchen. He’s president of the United States and he shouldn’t have to eat rabbit food.
Senate Republicans vowed to repeal a financial reform bill passed by Democrats. It doesn’t fix the original problem of risky mortgages. The prettiest homes in Los Angeles were built on bluffs because no one ever asked to see a tax return.
BP capped the gushing well in the Gulf of Mexico. It was a victory of business and government. The oil company was able to go a mile underwater and shut off the well and the president was able to shave three strokes off his golf score.
Iranians held massive protests over the Iranian parliament’s proposal to raise income taxes. It changed perceptions. For thirty years Republicans have looked at Iranians as enemies, heathens and hostage-takers but never until now as kindred souls.
The White House made plans to send the National Guard to Arizona’s border next month. The troops will have desk jobs. Now they just have to figure out how to get two hundred thousand illegal aliens a year to stop at the desk on their way in.
Hillary Clinton awarded Pakistan a huge U.S. aid grant at a Central Asian summit in Kabul. We want nothing in return. The U.S. gave up trying to extract Osama bin Laden from Pakistan after we couldn’t even extract Roman Polanski from Switzerland.
The White House decided to defend the new health care law’s insurance mandate as a tax. It forces you to buy an insurance policy from a private company, and it’s enforced by the IRS. If Paul Revere rode tonight he’d be warning the townspeple of Lexington and Concord that the British health care system is coming.
President Obama welcomed Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron to the White House Tuesday. The leaders like each other personally. President Obama spent all day addressing the prime minister as David and three times Joe Biden called him Elizabeth.
President Obama thanked the Senate for extending unemployment benefits to jobless Americans. He was sincere. He’s grateful that members of his administration won’t have to go on food stamps between the time they’re fired and the time they’re rehired.
The Statue of Liberty in New York was evacuated Wednesday when an alarm went off falsely indicating the presence of smoke. It was misinterpreted. The alarm in the Statue of Liberty goes off whenever President Obama signs a law taking over something.
The American Petroleum Institute said that oil companies will pool one billion dollars to form a company to respond to oil spills. They’re trying to improve their image. The money will finance a study that shows that solar energy causes skin cancer.
The British Open at St. Andrews featured brutal weather last weekend. This year the British Open was renamed The Open. They took out the word British because they didn’t want the entire purse to go to unemployed fishermen in the Gulf of Mexico.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].