James Carville's Last Campaign
Poor old James Carville is in the dumps. He doubts that Crazy Bernie can beat President Donald Trump in November. He appeared on MSNBC last week and said that anyone who thought Sen. Bernie Sanders would turn out more voters in sufficient numbers to beat Trump was “a fool.” Well, on that point, he might be right. Carville has been dealing with fools for years, and doubtless, he knows whereof he speaks. Yet, I would think he would have more respect for his constituents. Hillary Clinton might need her fools to beat the deplorables. Every fool counts, James.
The campaign strategist who coined the line, “It’s the economy, stupid,” looked like he had just rolled out of bed when he appeared with MSNBC’s slickster Brian Williams on the television the other day. James was wearing a purple baseball cap with its beak turned forward. For over 20 years, it has been the fashion among young boys who wear their baseball caps indoors to turn the cap backward with the beak looking toward the rear. Has James missed something? Actually, I believe I have seen him on TV with his baseball cap turned backward. Or was it turned sideways? What a character!
Also, a close look at James’ neck indicated that he was wearing two undershirts; one — the outer one — was purple. He finished the ensemble off with a white shirt, possibly short-sleeved. Though perhaps I am mistaken. What I mistook for a white shirt might have been a pajama top. As I said earlier, he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. Sartorially speaking, James is no Roger Stone, to mention another campaign strategist in the news last week. At any rate, when he arrived at the studio, James had put in a hard night. My suggestion would be that he give up politics for the rest of the year. Or perhaps he could offer his services to Harvey Weinstein. James could be Harvey’s crisis manager. After all, James gave plenty of advice to Bill Clinton. As I recall, he was among those doubters who dismissed my “Troopergate” stories. He probably still thinks of Bill as the “Virgin President.”
Whatever you might think of James, he is probably right that Crazy Bernie will lose against Trump. Yet no one running in the Democratic Party will do any better. My candidate, as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, is Joe Biden, or Sleepy Joe, as the president calls him. However, he is my candidate not because he can beat the president. As the race stands right now, he cannot even beat any of the Democratic front-runners, not even Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg — and by the way, what ever did Peter’s parents have in mind when they gave him that improbable name? Did they do it to detract from his unpronounceable last name?
So, I am standing by Sleepy Joe, and I shall tell you why. He is reliably amusing. I call him “gaffable,” owing to his agility with what you and I call a gaffe. There are now whole YouTube montages devoted exclusively to Joe’s gaffes. Think of how many wonderful moments could be lost from our historical chronicles if Joe goes down in premature defeat this summer.
Yet there remains another candidate out there who at the moment lies, shall we say, dormant? The candidate is, of course, Hillary. Even I might forgo Sleepy Joe if she would throw her hat into the ring, or perhaps a nearby lamp into the ring. She has twice been heralded as “inevitable.” A third run might be the charm. Her cough is, I am reliably informed, under control. Her weight problem is also under control, and besides, she has adopted what is called “the pantsuit look” to good effect. And all those “scandals,” for instance, with her foundation, with Uranium One, with those 33,000 deleted emails, are old news. According to her husband, she is the most qualified person to be president probably since him. Which introduces only one problem with her candidacy: him.
Ever since the Clintons’ great friend, Harvey Weinstein, crashed into the news, Bill has been strangely quiet. In fact, he has been invisible. Could there be something in Bill’s past that would present Hillary with trouble if she were to run one more time for the presidency?
Well, I have a solution for Hillary. End your marriage now. End it before you throw your hat into the ring for a third try at the presidency. Or end it before you throw a lamp into the ring. Take advantage of the #MeToo movement. Everyone will understand. End it now. My guess is that even Bill will be relieved. After all, he has been hiding under the bed in Chappaqua for too long. Moreover, James Carville has one more campaign left in him. I saw hints of it last week.
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