From The Comedy Store - The Patriot Post

Jimmy Carter told CBS News that Senator Teddy Kennedy killed his health care reform bill thirty years ago to deny him credit for it. Don’t blame the senator. The health care reform bill knew better than to get into the car with Teddy when he’d been drinking.

Al-Qaeda ordered an assassination hit on cartoonist Molly North for sponsoring a Draw the Prophet Mohammed contest for cartoonists. The FBI issued a statement saying they can’t protect her. They’re under presidential orders to protect the Prophet Mohammed.

New York’s Tea Party governor candidate Carl Paladino mailed a manure-scented brochure to voters saying something stinks in the state capital. It didn’t work. People just thought it was their monthly mortgage statement and threw it into the trash.

Florida coach Urban Meyer suspended receiver Chris Rainey after he was arrested for stalking. The kid was the thirtieth Gator arrested in the last five years. The Dallas Cowboys might be America’s Team but the Florida Gators are America’s Most Wanted Team.

Mexico’s president Felipe Calderon proposed that Mexico change its formal name from the United States of Mexico to simply Mexico. The Mexican people prefer the formal title. This way they can tell an Arizona trooper they are citizens of the United States and not go to hell for lying.

The L.A. Controller’s office issued a report on how the city spent its federal stimulus money. Los Angeles spent seventy million dollars and created seven jobs. No one knows where the money went, but Arnold Schwarzenegger has financing for his next seven pictures and shooting begins in December.

President Obama called the National Security Council to the White House where he received a security update from his highest-ranking generals in the field. They had to give the president some really bad news. They can’t stop the surge in Delaware.

The National Bureau of Economic Research met Monday and announced that the recession ended over a year ago in June. It prompted jubilation in Washington D.C. President Obama just authorized two million dollars in stimulus funds to pay for a Mission Accomplished banner.

Joe Biden told a crowd he’s second in line for the presidency, prompting a CBS reporter to remind him that he’s first in line, the House Speaker is second in line. Actually Biden’s right. Whenever a Democrat is president, Hillary is right outside the door.

Chicago FBI agents thwarted a terror plot to set off a huge bomb in front of a sports bar outside Wrigley Field, intended to destroy the historic home stadium of the Chicago Cubs. The locals are outraged. They’ve got a lot of great memories associated with that sports bar.

Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad arrived at the United Nations in New York Tuesday to address the U.N. General Assembly. He began his speech by declaring that Iran is a free nation and a peaceful nation. It’s always best to open with a joke.

The Food and Drug Administration considered approval of genetically-engineered salmon. The fish has the ability to swim upstream against strong currents. If the Obama administration can’t find Democrats who can win in November, they will create them.

House Republicans gathered at a Virginia hardware store Thursday to introduce the GOP’s Pledge to America campaign platform. The country may be ready for it. The day laborers hanging out in front of the hardware store had graduate degrees from Harvard.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].

The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store