The Patriot Post® · From The Comedy Store
Jeb Bush was reported to be seriously considering a run for president in two years. The man is motivated. He’s heading up to Kennebunkport for Thanksgiving and he’s tired of sitting at the folding table with the people who haven’t been president.
Meg Whitman reported spending a hundred forty million of her own money losing in California. Linda McMahon spent sixty million of her own money to lose in Connecticut. You know the economy’s bad when you put two hundred million into a job search and you still come up empty.
President Obama flew to India on Air Force One followed by forty airliners full of staffers and friends. He also ordered thirty-four U.S. warships and an aircraft carrier to accompany him. Most guys going through a mid-life crisis simply buy a red Corvette.
President Obama stood in front of India’s congress and bowed low before he gave a speech to them. The gesture didn’t work. The lawmakers still observed the Indian custom of putting the American on hold for twenty minutes before they’d listen to them.
President Obama met with India’s leading businessmen in New Delhi. He asked them for advice on how to fix the ailing U.S. economy. They told him to turn the economy off for five minutes and then turn it back on and see if that fixes the problem.
Saudi Arabia upgraded its air defenses with purchases from Raytheon recently. They want results this time. In the last Mideast war, the Arabs missed every Israeli jet with the surface-to-air missiles we sold them, so now they want to buy missiles that are surface-to-jet.
President Obama vowed to rebuild the connection he lost with American voters. He spent the last year engaging voters in backyard chats. He was going to do front yard chats but then you get the foreclosure sign in the picture.
Wall Street cheered as the Dow Jones average rose to its highest mark since the financial crisis started two years ago. The floor traders applauded when the number reached eleven thousand four hundred. Whenever the Dow matches the average American income, everybody wins a free car wash.
San Francisco passed a local ordinance that bans McDonald’s from giving out toys with Happy Meals. Childhood obesity is at an all-time high in America. That’s why the most popular names for boys and girls last year were Big Mac and Little Debbie.
The Labor Department reported that only sixty-four percent of the American workforce is fully employed. The president did his very best to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. This morning he declared victory in the War on Jobs.
Nancy Pelosi said she will run for House Minority Leader and lead the party. Who’s going to tell her? A study last month said the U.S. was the one hundred twelfth happiest nation in the world, then Nancy Pelosi lost the Speakership and we’re at seventeen.
Homeland Security increased airport security last Monday after the previous week’s terrorist activity. TSA screeners are ordered to pat passengers’ breasts and genitals with an open hand. So far the order has produced five thousand complaints and ten million job applicants.
Defeated House Democrats were seen by grief counselors Tuesday. They must go from denial to acceptance. Once they’ve accepted that their days in Congress are over, they will be counseled about how to transition to other forms of white collar crime.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].