The Patriot Post® · Our Great Failure

By Douglas Daugherty

“The heart of the father is the masterpiece of nature.” —Antoine-François Prévost (1692-1763)

The passing of Vision and Values to the next generation is one of life’s greatest challenges, maybe the greatest. Without it, each child is a rudderless ship at best, or, at worst, a child headed to prison, either real or in the mind.

David Blankenhorn's Fatherless America was published in 1995. The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell, PhD, and John Gray, PhD, was published in 2018. In those 25 years, things have only gotten worse. But this is not a recent phenomenon.

The last book of the Old Testament, the Jewish Tanakh, Malachi, was written in the first half of the 5th century BC. It concludes with a curious verse: "He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse" (Mal. 4:6). John the Baptist over 400 years later repeats this verse as part of his mission (Luke 1:17). It is as if we stand amid the silence of those 400 years.

Why has this been a keen observer’s insight for thousands of years?

We may ask, “What is the role of a father? Why is it so important? What are dads good for?” Some would say we don’t need men to help us raise our children. The woman can do it all just as well. Perhaps sometimes … but day in and day out through the passing of the generations? I think we are missing a big part of our cultural jig-saw puzzle if we say, “Men not apply." The state can’t do it. Our institutions struggle. Dads are needed, not only to be fathers, but to step into their full robustness as men themselves.

From the Ivy League to Market Street, we hear of "The myth of disposable men.” They’re just sperm donors. They have created a stifling patriarchy. They’re violent and abusive. And, anyway, with gender fluidity, what difference does it really make?

Facts: Children without a father present have a four times greater risk of poverty, they’re more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and they’re two times at greater risk of infant mortality (National Fatherhood Initiative). Children are 39% more likely to earn mostly the grade of “A” in school with an involved father, 45% less likely to repeat a grade, and 60% less likely to be suspended or expelled. They’re also two times as likely to go to college and find stable employment after high school. And finally, daughters are 75% less likely to give birth as a teen and 80% less likely to spend time in jail (Child and Family Research Partnership, The University of Texas at Austin, LBJ School of Public Affairs).

In our community we have young men shooting each other, sometimes killing one another, on a weekly basis. Nationally, about 40% of children are born into a single-parent home (mostly the mom). No one seems to have the answer. A majority graduate from high school and can’t find employment, join the armed services, or move onto college. I think a big part of the answer is fathers and grandfathers, or someone who can step artfully into that role.

What is the gold mark of success? Can you reach the second and third generations? It is the second-most challenging mountain we can climb. How many businesses make it to the fourth generation? Very few. How many of us can even name our great grandparents? A handful. In this case, time does not heal.

You can’t pass on what you don’t possess. This possession only comes from the rough, difficult disciplines/exercises of communion or time with the Trinitarian God. The psalmist rightly noted, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1a).

Why is this important? There is a crying need to develop vision and values for oneself. Everything should flow out of that river. You cannot pass down what you don’t possess. If you come from a broken home, where there is little attachment and modeling, you will likely be the same sort of man. The crippled man, ignored by his own father and/or not knowing and being known by his Heavenly Father, keeps handing his handicaps down. The man without vision and values cannot pass them on.

Vision is your view of a future reality. Values are the principles you will live by to get there.

Almost any man can be a sperm donor, but only men compelled by the existential realities of their time will be a father and have a vision. There’s something about life that requires a map, a guide, or a model/leader. Life just has too many sinkholes, rat holes, and potholes. Too many dead ends. Too many decisions and intersections to know the direction to turn. And there are so many wrong paths! (And no “Life Map” from Google.) You must possess values that will get you, your children, and your grandchildren through the minefields and summit the mountain.

The masculine search for purpose is endemic. So much is broken and scattered. So many orphans of virtue. So many men are alone for all practical purposes. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

George Gilder wrote in his 1973 book Sexual Suicide that young men can be rather wild and have much energy to be channeled. A good woman helps do this. Children do not come from under a cabbage leaf. They come from a man AND a woman after sex when she is in the fertile part of her mostly regular reproductive cycle. But sex is not meant to be merely recreational. The many movies that start with a sex scene have it all a wrong. The old children’s song had it right: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes [name] in a baby carriage.”

Love for a man starts with attraction, moves to a relationship where one is known and knows (which should come under a period of evaluation), and hopefully ends in commitment. Then, in a perfect world, creating a companionship and mutual, covenantal support that lasts till one shuts their eyes on this life.

(I will never forget a round-table discussion I started spontaneously a few years ago at a restaurant. We were at a large, shared table surrounded by young couples on dates, about 20 years of age. I interrupted, after a bet with my watchful wife, “Would you young ladies rather marry for ‘love’ or ‘security’”? There was no delay in answering. To one, the girls all answered “security.” The young men all looked shell-shocked!)

The enemies of manhood include: sex, success, money, self-centeredness, radical feminism, trusting in compromised/porous institutions, celebrity, lack of a true north, eschewing divine duty, handicapped relationships, a lack of accountability, and many more that could be identified. But true love that ends with commitment, not only to a person but to the children, sings a different song.

The years with children are referred to as the “child imperative year.” It’s true. With children, there is a period of life where they demand your attention, either as screaming/cooing newborns, young children from about two to 12 who need your training and play with coaching, struggling teens, or young adults looking for counsel and resources. But with children you’re shooting over the horizon. A well-aimed arrow can fulfill your dreams, your children’s, and your grandchildren’s.

With your children, you need to cultivate empathy, attachment, and security. That’s love.

A man not moved by true love and the duty that comes with it is less than a man. The times we’re in and the neighborhoods we live in require your vision for your family. This is a time of uncomfortable war for the hearts of the next generation. An untrained army will lose every battle and be subjected to the enemy. Is that the seed you intend to sow? I don’t think so. The seed that falls on the hard ground of life without good soil will soon be picked up and carried away to a dying place.

Fathers, the children must be rescued. It’s your job, part of your mission in life. They do not need to become acquainted with abandonment. You are the hero they’re waiting for … and may not even know it or ever acknowledge it.

You need the hidden disciplines. What are they? Among them are: modeling, discipling, affirming and encouraging, setting and enforcing boundaries, time sacrificially well spent, and providing. And you need to have a source for those disciplines, a hidden reservoir that you go to daily.

Men, know your flock!  A shepherd knows the strengths and weaknesses of every sheep. He knows which ones run away and which ones fall over and can’t get up. He finds and prepares the best pasture. He guides them there with his rod and staff. He destroys all predators, wolves or parasites.

Something I have learned about the difference between a dad and a mom. The dad delights in creating safe risks for the growing child. It makes them grow and build confidence and they understand the give-and-take of play. (I have never known a father of infants, who as soon as they learn to stand will not lift them one hand above the world and delight as they balance on his one careful protecting palm. Only a father can get away with this!) That's a father’s call. Having and sharing faith and encouragement is a father’s heart. Sacrifice before self is a father’s will.

A man’s role in fathering is essential and cannot be replaced. (Though there is a place for mentors, coaches, teachers, pastors, and grandfathers.) There are many paths in life. The fruit of your life needs the husbanding and tending that only comes from a true man’s love. It is the part of the great romance that is obscured by our present culture but is actually the well of water for an abundant life for your flock.

Here’s hoping we don't find ourselves in a God-forsaken/cursed land but instead as victors, watching our grandchildren walk over the horizon in wisdom with a bag of dreams.