Burt Prelutsky

I thought it was hilarious when Barack Obama took Mitt Romney to task for only disclosing two years of tax returns. He said, "When you run for president, people assume your life is an open book." I want to know who writes this guy's material so I can send him a fan letter. Imagine, the guy who has done his level best to keep all of his own personal records sealed has the chutzpah to chide his opponent for keeping secrets. That old adage about the pot calling the kettle names leaps to mind.

If liberals didn't have double standards, they wouldn't have any standards at all. I refer to the fact that 102 American soldiers have been killed by Afghans in uniform, 40 of the murders just in the past eight months. How is it that the same folks who kept demanding that Bush pull our troops out of Iraq aren't insisting that Obama pull them out of Afghanistan? Why is it that the L.A. Times isn't running a daily scorecard of military deaths and that Garry Trudeau doesn't list the names of the ambushed warriors in his Sunday edition of Doonesbury?

At the very least, why isn't the New York Times insisting that Obama justify squandering blood and treasure on behalf of Hamid Karzai? And how is it that no Democrat in Congress, aside from Dennis Kucinich, has raised a stink? Inasmuch as the Taliban possess no weapons of mass destruction and we're not there to bring about regime change, how is it that liberals justify this war when they so adamantly opposed the one waged by George W. Bush?

Moving on, what is it about the United Nations that liberals find attractive? It is, after all, an organization that stands idly by while genocide takes place in Uganda, while Christians are crucified in Egypt and Syrians are bombed in Syria. While I realize that liberals have a soft spot for theories, such as socialism, that look good on paper; and that they are attracted to unattainable goals such as universal brotherhood and a planet that is not only free of industry but of people; what do they find that is even slightly appealing about this gang of freeloading thugs? As if it's not bad enough that its various foreign delegates commit all sorts of crimes, ranging from double-parking in Manhattan to manslaughter, and suffer no consequences more severe than being sent back home, the organization itself is constantly applauding such guest speakers as Yasser Arafat, Hugo Chavez and Mahmud Ahmadinejad, and placing nations like Syria and Libya on its human rights commission.

The major differences between Mafia dons and the members of the U.N. is that the gangsters, to their credit, don't pretend to be humanitarians, they dress better and rumor has it they actually have a code.

I mean, imagine the lunacy of the United States not only belonging to a group that grants veto powers to Russia and China, but paying most of its bills.

If President Romney doesn't get us out of the U.N. and get the U.N. off our turf, even I'll consider running against him in 2016.

Some people were convinced that Obama was going to dump Biden from the ticket, especially when he not only misidentified the state, but the century, in which he was speaking. Then, for good measure, he lapsed into the worst southern accent anyone recalls hearing since 2008, when Hillary Clinton was campaigning below the Mason/Dixon Line, and announced that the GOP intended to reinstitute slavery.

Some people couldn't imagine that after that trifecta, Biden would remain on the ticket. I knew better, and it's not just that Biden makes it so easy for Obama to appear intelligent by comparison. Because Biden is such an obvious bonehead, he is an invaluable asset. By way of explanation, let me confess that for the longest time, I wondered how it was that so many successful rock and rap stars had such terrible voices and minimal musical skills. Then it hit me. Their appeal is to homely teenagers who also sing and play badly. It's called identification. Most people are intimidated by those who possess actual gifts. But when they watch a no-talent, it's well within the realm of the possible that some day that could be them on stage being cheered and admired.

Therein lies the appeal of Joe Biden for millions of Democrats. In him, they see themselves. We have all heard of expensive cars, such as Ferraris, Bugattis and Porsches, referred to as chick magnets. I think it's fair to regard Joe Biden as a cluck magnet.

Finally, we have often heard that imprisonment can further harden even hardened criminals. What you don't often hear is that it can also turn them into liberals. For instance, consider David Berkowitz, who came to be known as "The Son of Sam" after voices in his head told him to go out and kill, racking up six murders before he was arrested. He was moved to suggest, after the spate of recent killings in Colorado, Wisconsin and Chicago, that the solution was to simply "Take the glory out of guns."

If he ever gets out of the slammer, Mr. Berkowitz might consider running for mayor of New York with that slogan. After all, he now holds the exact same position on the Second Amendment as Michael Bloomberg (aka "Son of William and Charlotte").

But, moreover, at least so far as I know, he doesn't believe he's God and therefore wouldn't be crazy or arrogant enough to take it upon himself to ban soft drinks, chocolate and salt.