From The Comedy Store
Hillary Clinton prepared to exit as Secretary of State after setting a record for most travel miles on the job. She was also the most-traveled First Lady. She has the world’s largest collection of little peanut packets, which will come in handy when she starts flying commercial.
Steven Spielberg’s film Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis came out last weekend. It claims that Abe waged the war against the South on behalf of all mankind. It settled the great moral issue in America whether farm work should be done by slaves or illegal aliens.
President Obama’s re-election prompted a stock market plunge of three hundred points. Repairing this economy may require a little luck. President Obama is going to need all the luck he can get to fix the mess he inherited from the past four years.
Real Clear Politics reported millions fewer white voters came out to vote than four years ago. The weather was beautiful from coast to coast. The lesson is, never ask an Anglo-Saxon to choose between improving his golf game and improving his country.
A University of Indiana study on female sexual behavior found that fifteen percent of women admitted they will sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship. Women shouldn’t feel guilty. Men will fake entire relationships for the sake of the orgasm.
Chris Matthews apologized for expressing his gratitude on election night that Hurricane Sandy arrived just in time to help Obama in the polls. He showed no concern for the victims. This is what you have to do when you’re campaigning to be the new FEMA Director.
Lance Armstrong cut his ties with his testicular cancer-fighting charity Live Strong after its chairman asked him to leave over the doping allegations. It’s a worthy cause. Hardly a day goes by that testicular problems aren’t front-page news in Washington.
CIA Director David Petraeus resigned after e-mails surfaced about his adulterous affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. His e-mails to her recalled them having sex underneath his office desk. Bill Clinton just asked Paula Broadwell to write his life story.
General David Petraeus was caught between a catfight of mistresses. It’s mixed news. The sex scandal cost General Petraeus any chance of the GOP nomination for president in four years, however it virtually guarantees him the Democratic nomination.
General Petraeus agreed to face Congress to discuss the Benghazi attack and his sex scandal. He had two mistresses fighting over him and a wife with a government job. He survived Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan and now comes the big one, Thanksgiving Dinner.
President Obama met with congressional leaders to try to reach a deal to dodge the fiscal cliff. It’s not all bad news. If the Mayan Calendar is right and the world ends four days before Christmas, all the government pensions in America are suddenly fully funded.
President Obama met with business CEOs at the White House where he informed them of his tax hike proposals. The CEOs are scared. Congress and the White House are approaching the fiscal cliff and President Obama’s campaign slogan is Forward.
President Obama had his first press conference in eight months at the White House. Reporters asked the president why he didn’t know that the FBI was investigating his CIA chief all year. He was so crushed that a White House reporter would ask him a real question that he broke down sobbing for the second time in ten days.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton