From The Comedy Store
North Korea announced it will conduct a nuclear test and a long-range rocket test in preparation for a missile attack aimed at the U.S. They claim their missiles can hit the West Coast. Hillary Clinton is already blaming the attack on a film student’s senior project.
The White House played down the fiasco that ensued from Beyonce’s lip-syncing the National Anthem at the Inaugural ceremony. The president made no mention of the staged fakery. His teleprompter said to just kiss her on the cheek and begin his speech.
John Kerry promised to divest his stock holdings that might pose a conflict of interest if he’s confirmed. He and his wife own a lot of defense industry stocks. He could be the first Secretary of State to double his net worth by intentionally screwing up peace talks.
American Idol was sued by nine contestants for discrimination. They passed their audition then were told they’re disqualified due to their past criminal records. This leaves politics as the only career left in America which doesn’t require a background check.
The Pentagon lifted the ban on women serving in the front lines of combat in the U.S. Army. The girls must get through basic training camp. After nine weeks of fighting off the advances of the finest young fighting men in the world, the Taliban should be a breeze.
President Obama flew to Las Vegas to reveal his immigration reform proposal for allowing illegal aliens to have a pathway to citizenship. Californians are confused. We thought illegal aliens already had a pathway to citizenship, it’s called the San Diego Freeway.
President Obama flew to Nevada to give a speech on immigration reform at a high school in Las Vegas. He had fun. Barack Obama was asked to speak in the high school because when you’re sixteen trillion dollars in debt, they won’t let you in the casino.
President Obama’s campaign staff and operation was rolled into a permanent lobbying group. Democrats can still buy items on his website to support his efforts for hope and change. Each Obama bumper sticker comes with a Toyota Prius attached to it.
John McCain proposed an immigration bill in which illegal aliens will pay back taxes and a fine and move to the back of the line. It should work. After all, it’s their willingness to obey the law and wait their turn in line which brought them to America in the first place.
President Obama told the New Republic magazine in an interview that he often goes skeet shooting at Camp David. It’s a skill he needs to acquire. Someday Barack Obama will move back home to Chicago and he needs to learn how to lead the intruder by two feet.
Senator Robert Menendez was put under FBI probe for procuring underage hookers in the Dominican Republic. This may go very badly for him. By the time the senators finish investigating one of their own he’ll be censured by the Ethics Committee for under-tipping.
The FBI raided the South Florida office of the eye doctor who is accused of providing underage hookers for Senator Bob Menendez in Puerto Rico. It’s a foolproof cover. The senator’s new defense is that his pupils were dilated and he couldn’t tell how old they were.
The White House signed a deal with the African nation of Niger to open a drone base from which to attack al-Qaeda bases in the jungle. It’s a hot and humid theater of war that’s unfamiliar to most Americans. Africa is like Houston except it has fewer black people.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton