From The Comedy Store
President Obama explained his cave-in on taxes Tuesday by saying Republicans were holding the middle-class hostage. The president had to act. Jimmy Carter called and warned him the longer there are hostages the less likely it is he’ll be reelected.
President Obama enlisted Colin Powell Wednesday to persuade the Senate to pass a treaty with Russia limiting nuclear weapons. They’re obsolete. Who needs nuclear weapons when we can destroy any country in the world just by defaulting on our Treasury bonds?
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange tried to hide in London from a Swedish arrest warrant Friday. He’s nuts if he thinks he can hide in Britain. London’s covered by so many surveillance cameras it makes U.S. airport security look like the cold shoulder.
General Electric was revealed in Federal Reserve documents to have gotten a secret bailout from the U.S. government. That explains the news bias. Last night NBC reported that President Obama’s economic policies have failed to fix the economy, but in a good way.
The Minnesota Vikings halted practice Friday when a white powdery substance was found on their playing field. The team put out a call to Homeland Security. Experts determined that the white substance so unfamiliar to the players was in fact the goal line.
The Labor Department reported Friday that the unemployment rate rose to near ten percent. The national mood is grim. It used to be fun to sit and watch Donald Trump tell people they’re fired but now it’s like watching capital punishment on live television.
Hillary Clinton held a town hall meeting in Bahrain Friday. She’s smoothing over the damage done by the WikiLeaks revelations. She hasn’t done damage control like this since she claimed there was a vast right-wing conspiracy when her husband was exposed by DNA Leaks.
The U.S. Capitol was swarmed by fresh faces Friday as new lawmakers began arriving before taking office in January. The swearing-in ceremony is a sacred tradition. The new congressmen stand in the Chamber, raise their right hands, and take the Hypocritical Oath.
President Obama spoke to troops in Afghanistan Friday, where he praised the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines but forgot the Coast Guard. It’s no accident. Earlier in the day he pardoned four cocaine traffickers, so apparently he is no fan of the Coast Guard’s work.
Hillary Clinton slammed WikiLeaks Monday for releasing secret State Department cables. They reveal nothing we don’t already know. If Hillary wants to keep a cable secret she’ll hand it to Obama and tell him to stash it next to wherever he keeps his birth certificate.
Jack Kennedy was voted America’s favorite former president in a Gallup Poll out Monday. He was judged by the discreet personal standards of his time and not the tabloid standards of today’s times. Young people won’t believe it, but there was a time in this country when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.
President Obama didn’t thank Republicans or Democrats for their help in crafting the compromise on tax cuts and jobless benefits Monday. Like most politicians, he can be self-centered. In Berlin two years ago Obama gave a speech in front of a column commemorating three German wars of aggression and he thought the cheering was for him.
President Obama explained his cave-in on taxes Tuesday by saying Republicans were holding the middle-class hostage. The president had to act. Jimmy Carter called and warned him the longer there are hostages the less likely it is he’ll be reelected.
WalMart announced Tuesday it will partner with Homeland Security to help battle against domestic terrorism. Over six hundred stores will participate. Airport security wasn’t humiliating enough, now we’re all going to get pat-downs from WalMart greeters.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
