HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Senate Republicans introduced a bill to repeal ObamaCare Wednesday after a U.S. judge ruled health care reform unconstitutional. People are genuinely worried. If a president can order you to buy health insurance, the first lady can make you eat broccoli.

Bill Clinton was named Man of the Year by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals because of his public campaign urging everyone to eat vegan. He talked about how easy it was for him to switch to a meat-free diet. All he had to do was eat at Taco Bell.

Farmers Insurance agreed to pay seven hundred million dollars for naming rights to the proposed NFL stadium in Los Angeles Tuesday. It’d be named Farmers Field. They think they can solve Los Angeles’s budget problems by having the government pay us not to play football.

Chicago was buried by a blizzard on Tuesday which closed airports and schools and highways. Winds off Lake Michigan blew eighteen-foot waves onto Lake Shore Drive in sub-zero temperatures. Rahm Emanuel was never gladder he really lives in Washington.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize Tuesday by a Norwegian lawmaker. He leaked highly secret and damaging State Department cables two months ago but no one can remember what they were anymore. America’s first line of defense used to be our missile system, but nowadays it’s Attention Deficit Disorder.

Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak promised Tuesday to retire in September but the street protesters didn’t believe him and demanded that he retire right away. People in America understand their skepticism. We go through this every summer with Brett Favre.

Hosni Mubarak supporters charged into Cairo’s Tahrir Square on camels Wednesday, hurling firebombs at protesters. He refuses to leave. President Obama offered him asylum but he’s holding out for the Luxor in Las Vegas.

Egypt’s army was criticized by both sides of the Cairo unrest Wednesday for running away and disappearing when the firebombs began to fly. It works every time. The Israelis fell for that trick four times in the last four wars and now the Palestinians are their problem.

Hillary Clinton urged Egypt’s street protesters to remain calm Monday and she told the Egyptian Army to use restraint. Rioting and burning and looting followed. Nothing calms down a million observant Muslims like a Methodist woman telling them what to do.