From The Comedy Store
The Bronx Zoo had to be shut down Monday after a highly poisonous cobra escaped and crawled into New York. It got a lot of attention. The surest sign yet that the economy is recovering is that the snakes are leaving their nests and heading back to Wall Street.
Barack Obama gave an address to the nation on Libya Monday at the War College. He really put his act back together in a hurry. Last week he flew home from Latin America to find the Oval Office locked, and for one awful second he thought it was next year already.
President Obama gave a speech to students at Georgetown University Wednesday on America’s worsening energy crisis. The numbers say it all. We use forty percent of the world’s oil and we’ve only invaded fifteen percent of the world’s oil-producing nations.
Reagan National Airport’s control tower went silent after an air traffic controller fell asleep in the tower. The pilots were on their own. All they had for guidance was President Obama’s statement that we must protect the civilians in Libya.
Senator Jay Rockefeller sent a letter to the White House demanding an explanation from the president as to our goal and strategy for going into Libya. What’s wrong with him? When the great-grandson of the founder of Standard Oil doesn’t understand why we’re in Libya, it’s like the rest of us forgetting the Pledge of Allegiance.
President Obama insisted that his military intention in Libya is for humanitarian aid and not for regime change. It didn’t affect his poll numbers one way or the other. President Obama’s approval rating stays in the forties like it’s a rent-controlled apartment.
California’s Department of Health reported that medical marijuana stores in the state rang up two billion dollars in pot sales last year. And it was all done legally. If California were a country in the Middle East, Jerry Brown would be the Emir of Doobie.
Jimmy Carter flew to Cuba Monday to obtain the release of a U.S. contractor jailed for setting up an illegal website. You can’t make it up. We now live in a world where Lindsay Lohan’s sober, the French are winning a war and Jimmy Carter’s getting hostages released.
Somali pirates seized an oil tanker and its crew off the Horn of Africa. Their timing was just terrible. Hours later they heard the Obama Doctrine, which requires U.S. action whenever innocent civilians are in danger from an oil well that’s about to blow.
The Justice Department released statistics showing that the United States now has sixty-five million citizens with past criminal records. It’s a staggering amount. When most Americans heard that statistic, two words came to mind – replacement players.
Barack Obama told America our own future is brighter if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom. It sounded vaguely familiar. Now that the chairman of GE is a presidential adviser, every speech sounds like a light bulb commercial.
The U.S. government reported statistics showing a record rise in the prices of food and gas and home heating oil during the month of February. It’s the highest jump in history in the cost of living. Economists say that those hit hardest should consider dying.
The Bronx Zoo had to be shut down Monday after a highly poisonous cobra escaped and crawled into New York. It got a lot of attention. The surest sign yet that the economy is recovering is that the snakes are leaving their nests and heading back to Wall Street.
Al-Qaeda claimed Wednesday to have hidden one hundred and sixty nuclear devices around the U.S. in schools and buildings. It’s a long-range plan. They say they’re waiting for just the right time to set them off, one out before the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
