China’s scientists finished a study on time travel and stated it’s impossible because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. They had to try. China realized their only way of dumping U.S. Treasury bonds was to go back in time and never buy them in the first place.

John Boehner halted debt and budget talks with President Obama Monday and decided to work with Senate Democrats. He said under the Constitution, Congress writes the laws and the president decides what he wants to sign. Ever since the Tea Party gave everyone on Capitol Hill a copy of the U.S. Constitution we don’t have to call tech support in India to fix every problem.

The National Football League season was saved Monday when players and owners ended the lockout after four months of haggling. Our nation needs pro football. Without NFL games Homeland Security would be forced to ban carving knives and alcohol at Thanksgiving dinners.

Los Angeles officials approved a private funding financing plan to build a downtown NFL football stadium with a retractable roof. They want to be able to close the roof whenever weather conditions are bad. If the cloud cover isn’t exactly right everyone looks ten years older.

NAACP president Benjamin Todd Jealous ripped new state laws requiring voters to produce a photo ID in a speech to the NAACP Convention. Hispanics don’t like it either. No matter how many riots there are in Los Angeles high schools everyone agrees on the necessity of vote fraud.

California Secretary of State gave supporters of a bill to legalize marijuana one year to get enough signatures to put the proposition on next year’s ballot. It’s an uphill battle. It’s hard for them to turn in enough signatures because they keep forgetting where they left the petitions.

McDonald’s restaurants caved in to the food police and White House pressure and announced that its Happy Meals will no longer include French fries but now have apple slices. Don’t worry. McDonald’s made up for it by putting fries and cheese in their apple fritters.

The White House press briefing erupted in chaos Tuesday when President Obama refused to offer a debt ceiling solution. The argument has split the GOP and divided Democrats. No one wants to say the debt ceiling debate has been a total disaster, but al-Qaeda just took credit for it.

President Obama tried to scare Republicans into raising the debt ceiling. He told the nation the debt crisis will force him to stop sending out Social Security checks so he can pay the bills. Baby Boomers always solve their problems by asking their parents for the money.

Capitol Hill was flooded by angry calls demanding spending cuts. The president’s hoped-for phone pressure for a compromise with tax hikes never materialized. People do not punch redial for an hour just to finally get through and demand that we split the difference.

General Electric CEO Jeff Immelt announced plans to move its X-ray factory from New York to China. He’s Barack Obama’s adviser on U.S. job creation. Last year he advised the president to encourage the unemployed to move to China so they can work for General Electric.

President Obama admitted in a Kansas City radio interview the next election will be a referendum on him and his presidency. The White House quickly clarified his statement. What the president meant to say is that Bush has screwed up left field so badly that nobody can play it.

The Space Shuttle landed for the final time, prompting congratulations from the president. Next is an unmanned journey to Mars. President Obama opted for robots over astronauts because robots don’t turn around and endorse Republicans if you slash their budget.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton