From The Comedy Store
Hallmark Cards offered a new line of recession-themed cards which console people who’ve lost his jobs. The response was huge. So many of these cards were mailed to the Congress and the White House that it could save the Postal Service from bankruptcy.
Missourian Tom Carnahan will host a fundraising dinner for President Obama after his energy company got a hundred million dollars in tax credits to develop wind power. It’s Plan B. The government is throwing money into the wind after the sun turned out to be corrupt.
Major League Baseball began discouraging ballplayers from using energy drinks like Red Bull. It has to be done. In order for the statistics in baseball to be consistent from generation to generation, ballplayers are required to dissolve amphetamines in the coffee.
Steven Spielberg announced he will make a movie about Abraham Lincoln next year and release it during the election campaign. Of course the movie will be fictionalized. Nothing will persuade Abraham Lincoln to go into a theater after what happened last time.
President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly in New York where he assured the world that the U.S. remains strong. He began the speech by declaring that the U.S. dollar is sound. It always helps to get the crowd on your side by opening with a joke.
Florida deep-sea divers were ordered by a U.S. court to return to Spain the treasure they’d found on a galleon sunk three hundred years ago. The ship was hauling sixteen tons of silver when it sank. It was the first of many setbacks for people who advocate wind power.
Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerman rolled out new features which left users confused and angry. Going on Facebook is like being in prison anyway. You spend hours all by yourself, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know every night.
Hustler’s Larry Flynt offered a million dollar reward to anybody who can prove they had an illicit sexual relationship with Rick Perry. It’s a service to the country. By now it’s a proven fact that the U.S. economy does better when we have a president with sex scandals.
The Supreme Court agreed Monday to rule whether ObamaCare is constitutional. If you want free health care in America just go to the airport. It’s there you can get free X-rays and a free breast exam, and if you mention al-Qaeda, you also get a free colonoscopy.
President Obama committed a gaffe, telling a black crowd that a billionaire shouldn’t pay a lower tax rate than a Jew, before correcting himself and saying janitor. It’s a pattern. Last week at a banquet he called for a Palestinian state run by Hamas, and what he meant to say was, pass the salt.
New York hospitals reported a huge drop in cocaine-related emergency room cases because the recession has made cocaine way too expensive. You can’t make it up. President Obama finally passed health care reform and no one can afford the overdose.
Saudi Arabia proclaimed a new law for the kingdom which allows women to vote in Saudi Arabia, but women still aren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. This is not exactly a breakthrough in women’s rights. They have cars but they don’t have elections.
President Obama got his lowest job approval numbers on Monday. Years ago during rush hour Michelle called him to warn him that a crazed idiot was driving on the wrong way on the freeway. Barack replied that he’d already counted about four hundred of them.
Hallmark Cards offered a new line of recession-themed cards which console people who’ve lost his jobs. The response was huge. So many of these cards were mailed to the Congress and the White House that it could save the Postal Service from bankruptcy.
© Copyright 2011 Argus Hamilton
