Upright: “Your petulance is unbecoming, Mr. President, and your criticism of anyone who disagrees with you is downright unmanly. You come off like a spoiled child who has been denied his way. And while you blame your shortcomings on opposing political parties, you have had both houses of Congress and the White House in the first two years of your term. Plus an electoral mandate to do just about anything you wanted to, so the least you can do is cowboy up and take the blame for the messes you’ve made.” —Charlie Daniels

Dezinformatsia: “[I]n a country where the vast majority of police officers patrol with batons and pepper spray, the elite cadre of British cops who are entrusted with guns almost never use them. Police in Britain have fatally shot two people in the past three years. … [E]xperts say the way British bobbies are trained, commanded and vigorously scrutinized may offer U.S. police forces a useful blueprint for bringing down the rate of deadly violence and defusing some of the burning tension felt in cities from coast to coast.” —The Washington Post, simply hoping for disarmament

Demo-gogues: “Elections should be about choices, and my argument is you won’t have a choice if Secretary Clinton is the Democratic nominee because she’s so similar to the Republicans.” —Democrat presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee

Braying Jackass: “I’ve been joking with Lindsey [Graham] … [about] a rotating first lady. He’s a bro with no ho.” —Sen. Mark Kirk

Non Compos Mentis: “Has anybody proved that we did anything objectionable? No.” —Bill Clinton

Late-night humor: “Hillary Clinton joined Instagram … and somehow she’s already deleted thousands of photos.” —Seth Meyers