They wish.

While the rest of us were enjoying a long holiday weekend, the mainstream media was laboring to give life to a fake, false, fraudulent, fantastical news story about Donald Trump’s demise.

In fairness, though, who can blame the Fourth Estate for whispering breathlessly, for rubbing its collective hands together with glee at the prospect of Dead Donald? I mean, if the guy goes two whole days without holding an impromptu presser from the South Lawn of the White House, it can only mean that 47 is 86, right? Right?

Imagine their disappointment, then, when Trump himself rose from the dead yesterday to put those rumors out of their misery.

VIDEO: In a surreal moment at a White House press conference, Fox News’ Peter Doocy asked President Donald Trump how he learned of his own rumored “death” over Labor Day weekend. pic.twitter.com/slbjXGpxkv

— The Western Journal (@WesternJournalX) September 3, 2025

“How did you find out over the weekend that you were dead?” asked Fox News’s Peter Doocy about the 1.3 million user engagements that had lit up the fever-swampish regions of the Internet as of Saturday morning. “You see that?”

“You know,” replied a deader-than-deadpan Trump, “I have heard — it’s sort of crazy — but last week I did numerous news conferences, all successful, they went very well, like this is going very well. And then, I didn’t do any for two days, and they said, ‘There must be something wrong with him.’ Biden wouldn’t do ‘em for months. You wouldn’t see him. And nobody ever said there was ever anything wrong with him, and we know he wasn’t in the greatest of shape.”

Thus, as it turns out, reports of Trump’s demise had been greatly exaggerated.

Here in our humble shop, we don’t tend to dwell on unserious stories like this. After all, there’s way too much real news out there just begging to be explored and analyzed. But in this case, we made an exception — not because we wanted to give credence to credulity, but because we wanted to denounce the mainstream media for the self-discrediting organism that it is.

Remember: This is the same self-discrediting organism that played dead whenever Joe Biden talked to dead people or tripped on a flight of stairs or fell off his bike or stumbled in the sand or wandered off into a field or got lost on a porch. This is the same media that didn’t think twice when Biden failed to finish simple sentences, when Biden’s handlers called a lid before noon while the world burned, when Biden utterly disappeared back home to Wilmington for long weekends, there to be brought back to life for another pathetically short work week at the White House.

So spare us the faux concerns about Donald Trump’s health and wellness. And instead, maybe spill a bit of ink toward Minnesota Governor and failed vice presidential candidate Tim Walz, whom CNN’s lone Republican, Scott Jennings, tore into yesterday for joking about how he hopes a sitting president will die soon.

“There will be news sometime,” Walz reassured a group of sick and downtrodden rallygoers.

“But I’ll tell you who is a complete piece of sh*t — and I’m going to tell you right now,” said Jennings in response. “Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, holding up a phone in front of a rally and saying, 'Well, we thought we were going to wake up and find out the president died. Someday it’ll happen.’”

Wishing for the death of a president is sick stuff, whether overtly or covertly. Especially when that president miraculously dodged a would-be assassin’s bullet by mere millimeters a year ago.

In the meantime, the best thing Donald Trump can do is to live large and continue to disappoint them.