The Gipper: “Public servants say, always with the best of intentions, ‘What greater service we could render if only we had a little more money and a little more power.’ But the truth is that outside of its legitimate function, government does nothing as well or as economically as the private sector.”

The BIG lie: “I wish the film [‘An Inconvenient Truth’] had over-estimated the seriousness of the [climate] crisis, but unfortunately it actually underestimated how serious it is.” —Al Gore

Blame the teetering economy: “There’s an increase in volume in passengers. A reflection perhaps of an economy that’s getting a little stronger, and [the TSA hasn’t] kept up with it in terms of screeners.” —Sen. Dick Durbin

Look, squirrel! “It’s been a very wet and cold start to the year and it’s reflected in our sales. We haven’t seen anything from a structural standpoint that gives us pause.” —Target CEO Brian Cornell (Right. The fact that more than a million people are boycotting Target has absolutely nothing to do with falling sales.)

Dezinformatsia: “[T]he thought of male genitalia in girls’ locker rooms — and vice versa — might be distressing to some. But the battle for equality has always been in part about overcoming discomfort — with blacks sharing facilities, with gays sharing marriage — then realizing that it was not nearly so awful as some people imagined.” —Charlotte Observer editorial

Late-night humor: “For the third year in a row, Washington, DC, was named the fittest city in American, mainly because Michelle Obama goes around slapping pizza out of everyone’s hands.” —Jimmy Fallon