Nate Jackson / March 16, 2022

Make Daylight Great Again

The Senate unanimously agreed to do away with the horrendous biannual time changes.

They said if we elected Joe Biden as president he’d bring unity. They lied, of course, except for one glorious exception for which every American can rejoice. The Senate yesterday passed the Sunshine Protection Act of 2021 to eliminate the biannual time change, and it was done by unanimous consent. Who says good news never happens anymore?

“We went through the biannual ritual of changing the clock” just this last Sunday, said Marco Rubio, one of the bill’s numerous bipartisan cosponsors, “and one has to ask themselves, why are we doing this?” He added, “And pardon the pun, but this is an idea whose time has come.”

“Boom, it’s a miracle!” said Sheldon Whitehouse. “Nobody, I guess, wanted to be the Grinch who blocked us.”

The bill moves to the House, where prospects are unknown. President Biden hasn’t commented either, but all the way back in 1973 Senator Biden voted to make Daylight Saving Time (DST) permanent. The legislation also doesn’t mandate DST for everyone, but it does force states to choose it or standard time and to stick with it year round.

There might not be another issue on which so many Americans agree — we all hate the biannual time change. Acclimating to a new daylight schedule every March and again every November probably ranks among our least favorite things. That’s exponentially true if you’re raising kids. (Can we get an “amen”?) Totally disrupting the space-time continuum twice a year leads to sloppy work by sleepy people, car accidents and other injuries, hordes of zombie children, and a drastic increase in swearing. No rational human wants that to continue.

Now, of course there’s going to be disagreement over which time should become standard. But, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, we’ll just say if you would rather stay on “standard” time, you’re obviously wrong. And probably a communist. Yes, if we remain on daylight time, mornings can be awfully dark in the middle of winter. But at least it wouldn’t be dark by 4:00 in the afternoon, which leads to all manner of woe, depression, and socialist statism — especially among Yankees. Conversely, if we were forced to live the rest of our lives on “standard” time (a hilarious misnomer at present, given that “standard” time reigns for all of four months a year), mornings might be a little brighter in winter, but the sun would come up at ungodly hours in the summer. That would completely waste hours of useful light as people sleep in — or force people out of bed with kids who rise with the sun at 5:00 in the morning — while robbing us of the pure delight of summer evenings. You might as well outlaw puppies, swimming pools, and summer grilling while you’re at it. Communist.

All of this is to say: Thank you, Senator Rubio and friends, for giving us hope for a brighter future. Americans disagree on so many things, but it’s obviously time to save time itself. Let’s come together for once and banish this scourge from our shores forever. Let’s unite for daylight!

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