Columnist.
Although, as a rule, I try to avoid spending too much time listening to political speeches, I must confess that I was pleasantly surprised by a number of those delivered in Tampa. It wasn't simply that they were saying many of the things that I had been writing for the past four years. It was the honest emotion that they evoked. A great many of the personal stories they shared were so touching they even made this old cynic get teary-eyed, as they spoke movingly about their immigrant parents and grandparents who, like my own, risked everything in the belief that all the glorious things they had heard about America were true.
A few years ago, most of the email I received from strangers involved Nigerians who wanted nothing out of life except to shower me with money. These days, I am besieged by politicians of both parties who want me to share those Nigerian dollars with them, but I also apparently embody every woman's sexual fantasy, be she Russian, Hispanic or just happen to reside within my zip code. Who would have guessed that so many women were just aching to get it on with a short, bald, 72 year old, happily-married, Jewish guy? When hair began to sprout in my nose, my ears and on my back, I assumed it would be the ultimate turnoff, but apparently I am exactly what these hotties are looking for. So perhaps a decent sense of humor does count for more than height, good looks and money in the bank. Who would have guessed it?
Even though Niall Ferguson, a Republican who served as an advisor to John McCain in 2008, wrote the cover story for Newsweek titled "Hit the Road, Barack," it is the first notable sign that the mass media has finally unlocked its lips from Obama's posterior. As my friend, Bernard Goldberg, has long chronicled, the media has been so openly gaga over His Fatuousness that they should have rented a room, lest their public displays of lustful abandonment frightened the horses. There is finally some hope for the media if even Newsweek is willing, at long last, to throw open the curtains and show us the Wizard in all his tawdriness, noting his lies; his hypocrisies; his willingness to divide Americans on the basis of race, class, religion, gender and even geography, for no other reason than to win an election. It's an election, by the way, which even he, himself, has said he doesn't deserve to win. I refer to his earlier statements in which he said that if he didn't cut the national debt and lower the unemployment rate to below 8% by the end of his first term, he didn't deserve a second. Well, he didn't and he doesn't.
I can surely understand why Missouri's Republican candidate for the Senate, Todd Akin, assumed that a prerequisite for holding the office was stupidity. After all, his opponent, Claire McCaskill (D), is a certified numbskull. But even she isn't stupid enough to suggest that a rape victim has the natural ability to not get pregnant. With my luck, if I had taken high school biology and tried to get my answers off someone else's test paper, Akin would have been the guy sitting next to me. In response to the multiple choice question regarding a human's gestation period being (a) one week, (b) one month, (c) nine months or (d) three years, Todd and I would probably have taken our chances with (d) if only because neither of us would have had any idea what "gestation" meant.
Even though I write at least three articles a week, I find it impossible to stay abreast of the madcap antics of Barack Obama and his multitude of stooges. At times, I feel like Mickey Mouse portraying the Sorcerer's Apprentice in Walt Disney's "Fantasia," frantically trying to deal with all those deranged brooms. For instance, consider the fact that Obama has increased our national debt from roughly 10 trillion dollars to 16 trillion in just three years, and is now trying to convince us that he's the biggest penny pincher since Jack Benny.
With every word he utters, with every action he takes, we hear that Obama is playing to his base. Whether he's extending unemployment benefits, increasing the number of people receiving food stamps; cutting the interest rate for student loans; giving a pass to illegal aliens; promoting public and private sector unions; funding Planned Parenthood; supporting same-sex marriages; and refusing to prosecute the Black Panthers, it's all done for the sole purpose of energizing the nitwits who elected him in 2008. It's unintended irony when people refer to Obama's base because among the word's multiple definitions are "morally reprehensible; lacking dignity; mean-spirited; selfish; and cowardly." That pretty much sums up those who are willing to turn a blind eye to Obama's war on capitalism and his promotion of class, race and gender warfare, so long as his groupies receive their puny little bribes.
Obama and his stooges will have to excuse me if I'm somewhat skeptical when they claim to be delighted that the GOP is running Romney and Ryan against them. I mean, I have tried to see things from their viewpoint, but I just can't imagine why a radical leftist who has run this nation's economy into the ground and his clownish sidekick would want to run against two guys who are smart, well-spoken and extremely personable. I mean, at least when the various palookas said they were looking forward to facing Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano and even Apollo Creed, in the boxing ring, guys like Tony Galento, Bernie Reynolds and Rocky Balboa, knew they were in store for a big payday. But faced with having to debate these two attractive, articulate Republicans, and without a Teleprompter feeding them their lines, Obama and Biden better hope their opponents will agree to take a dive.
I must confess, when Nancy Pelosi announced that we Jewish Republicans were being exploited, I sat down and gave it some serious thought. As illegal immigrants and inner city blacks are well aware, there's a lot to be said for claiming to be exploited in this country. But try as hard as I might, I just couldn't see how the GOP was victimizing me. In fact, inasmuch as it's only the Republican Party that has been standing between me and Cap & Trade, another trillion dollar stimulus, the Affordable Health Care Act and four more years of Obama's radically transforming America into a socialist state, I look to the GOP the way that some people look to GOD. It, alone, can provide our nation's salvation.
For years now, I have tried to envision just how bizarre a world run entirely by liberals would be, but, with each passing day, I realize how limited I am by an imagination that can never totally encompass the extent of their lunacy. For instance, the U.S. Navy has decided that the new class of carriers will be outfitted without urinals. This, the Navy insists, will improve "sailors' quality of life." I have no doubt that their next order of business will be to produce toilet seats that are impossible to raise, thus ensuring that female gobs will never again suffer the indignity of having to lower a toilet seat.
At the rate at which events take place, there is simply no way to cover everything, even if you wrote a column every day instead of three a week. Still, I do my level best to stay on top of things. For instance, in spite of all the alleged gaffes the left-wing press accused Mitt Romney of having made during his time abroad, I thought he was terrific. First, he gave the Brits an honest answer when he was asked about the Olympics. Who would have ever guessed that the folks who stood up to the Nazi blitz would fall completely apart over an honest assessment of the Games?
The drawback to elections, no matter where they take place, is that all sorts of people get to vote. Just look around and you'll see the disastrous results of democratic elections. In Gaza, the people elected terrorists who owe their allegiance to Hamas. In Egypt, they elected Mohamed Morsi of the Muslim Brotherhood, who gave a victory speech in which he announced that the future capital of Egypt would be Jerusalem, of all places, and put out a call to his people, saying, "You are all Hamas. Come forward, you lovers of martyrdom." Not exactly Churchillian or Reaganesque, I'm sure you'd agree.
Between the things that liberals say and the things they do, it's nearly impossible not to be overwhelmed by a tsunami of fatuousness. For instance, Greece and Spain, two nations that have destroyed their economies through socialistic entitlements, should be delighted that the EU, meaning Germany, seems willing to bail them out if they'll only change their spendthrift ways. Instead, like spoiled brats, they balk at making any concessions to reality. They are perfect examples of ingrates biting the hand that over-feeds them. Everyone knows that where the mass media is concerned, if it bleeds, it leads. The exception is when violence is done by blacks to whites. If you went by TV and newspapers, you would think it was 1812 and that it was blacks who were nearly always the innocent victims of inter-racial brutality. The truth, as is often the case where the media is concerned, is the reverse.
Inasmuch as Obama has suddenly begun referring to the Clinton years as the good old days, I feel it's only fair to do the same. I was not a fan of Clinton, but at least he had enough good sense to allow himself to be reined in by Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and the newly elected Republicans in 1994. By balancing the budget, reforming the welfare system and dumping HillaryCare, it even helped Clinton win re-election in '96. Back then, I was no fan of the Democrats, but I merely thought they were all wet on the issues. In the years since, they have mutated like monsters in science fiction movies. They are no longer merely mistaken; rather, they are evil creatures against whom death rays should be employed. For the hopelessly literal-minded, I don't actually mean they should be vaporized. Instead, they should all be evicted from the White House and Congress in November. Of course if that doesn't come to pass, vaporization shouldn't be ruled out.
When you're a conservative and you are doing your level best to deal with all the crapola spewed by the Left, you don't really need a newfangled BS detector. You just need one of those large brooms the circus provides the poor guy who walks behind the elephants. In my case, of course, it's a team of donkeys I'm trailing behind. For instance, is every liberal born knowing how to chant inanities or is it something they have to master once they enter college or join a union? And are they totally unaware that once normal people hear chanting in the streets, they know they are in the presence of the great unwashed?
The one thing that must be said for Nancy Pelosi is that she is always good for a chuckle. Although she has been known to say some of the funniest lines ever heard in Congress, such as "You'll have to pass ObamaCare in order to find out what's in it," she doesn't have to rely on funny dialogue in order to have people rolling in the aisles. All she has to do is give us that famous Pelosi look, the one that resembles an elderly deer caught in the headlights, the eyebrows up around her hairline, with those startled eyes that, thanks to one too many facelifts, have lost the ability to blink. But just because she doesn't have to depend on dialogue doesn't mean that when the circumstances call for it, she can't deliver a knee-slapper with the best of them. For instance, after Eric Holder spent a year and a half stonewalling Congress, refusing to hand over documents related to Fast and Furious, a botched Department of Justice operation that resulted in the murder of two American agents and thousands of Mexican civilians, Nancy Pelosi predictably sprang to the Attorney General's defense.
Under normal conditions, I would not address the tragic events that took place in Aurora, Colorado. For one thing, it was the insane act of a single psychotic, as opposed to the sort of stuff I generally deal with, such as Obama's destructive policies and the loony legislation enacted by the left-wing pinheads in Congress. I am only making an exception in the case of James Holmes because of what it tells us about liberals. Understand, I'm not laying his massacre at the feet of leftists. I leave that sort of thing to the media. You know, the folks who announced that Jared Lee Loughner was a conservative as soon as they heard that he had gone on a murderous rampage in Tucson, Arizona, that left Rep. Gabrielle Giffords wounded and several people dead. In similar fashion, we all got to hear that James Holmes was a member of the Tea Party even before the smoke had cleared.
In the wake of the Supreme Court's split-decision regarding Arizona's immigration law, the term, "racial profiling," is being tossed around like an old beach ball at an L.A. Dodgers game. You would think the term was synonymous with whippings and lynchings the way liberals carry on. The only thing it's synonymous with is commonsense. To suggest otherwise is just plain silly. For instance, if your car breaks down in the middle of the night and you spot a group of young urban blacks standing nearby, are you seriously going to tell me that you don't feel threatened? Are you going to insist that you wouldn't consider yourself to be in any greater danger of being beaten, robbed or killed, than if they were members of the Hare Krishna community playing tambourines and chanting, or a bunch of towheaded teenagers who had just exited from a Bible study group?
I concluded a recent article, "Things That Bug Me," with the following three paragraphs: "Speaking of political cowardice, isn't it high time that judges and legislators stopped coddling homosexuals? While it's true that, as a rule, being childless, they have a fair amount of money to contribute to those politicians who bow to their wishes, it's not as if they represent a lot of votes outside of San Francisco, L.A. and New York. "Frankly, I don't know just when it was that sodomites became a protected class, but it's rather obnoxious when politicians curry favor with them by promoting same-sex marriages and pretending that it is the equivalent of uprooting slavery and repealing Jim Crow laws. "One of the sillier things about homosexuals is the way they like to insist that inside every heterosexual is an interior decorator screaming to be let out. If you buy that, perhaps you also believe that inside every liberal nutcase is a rational conservative begging to be set free."
In October, 1869, there came news that workmen digging a well at a farm in Cardiff, a town near Syracuse, New York, had uncovered a petrified 12-foot giant. The owner of the farm erected a huge tent over the giant and was soon charging people a quarter to see the attraction. Soon, the price went to 50 cents, and still the crowds came. When a group of Syracuse businessmen offered the farmer the fantastic sum of $37,500 for the giant, he sold. It turned out to be a good investment because once the giant was placed on display in a Syracuse store front, the local economy enjoyed a boom. Eventually there came a day when archaeologists examined the giant and announced it to be a fraud. At which point, a factory owner named George Hull admitted that he had commissioned the hoax in order to prove how gullible Americans were.
As some of you know, I tried for months to get Team Romney to put me on the writing staff. Although I saw signs of Reagan in Romney's decency and good nature, the things I didn't find were those memorable lines in his speeches that conveyed both his sense of humor and his vision for America. But that was then and this is now. I no longer want to be merely Romney's speechwriter; I want to be what is known as a senior campaign advisor. I want him to dump this guy Eric Fehrnstrom and give me the job. It's not just that I'm uncertain whether America can survive another four years of Obama, and it's not just that I have a five dollar bet on Romney, it's this gut feeling I have that Fehrnstrom is a mole working for the other side.
