Columnist.
If you could take any aspect from the family you grew up in and bring it into the family you have created, what would it be? A certain holiday tradition? The way your home was always filled with visitors? The friendship and affection your parents had for each other? Or maybe even the tough, but refining love they showed you? What would you obliterate, if you could? The alcoholism? The sting of abandonment? Strict rules and unfair punishment? Short tempers? Your answers to these questions may reveal more than you think. Even though it's true that history has a tendency to repeat itself -- especially along bloodlines -- every generation has the opportunity to add to, or to take away from the list of things that "run in the family."
The US Constitution begins with the words, "We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union..." Our founding fathers acknowledged the imperfection inherent in all societies. Their goal was not the unrealistic one of forming a perfect, or utopian union. Instead, they aspired to establish a *more perfect* one. In fact, they set up the Constitution with provisions for revision. They knew -- perhaps even hoped -- that future generations would amend the Constitution to continue making it more perfect. The nature of our imperfect union evokes two responses. One is challenging; the other is a source of great pride and hope. The former is the thought that our nation is undeniably imperfect. Meaning our armed forces, political leaders, and adults and children alike standing with their hands over their hearts pledge their service and loyalty to something that is not only flawed (our imperfect union), but also vulnerable to further corruption, even tyranny. The founders knew that democracy and self-government were experiments, and the nature of an experiment is that it can fail. (You cannot call yourself a genuine patriot until you wrestle with this difficult truth.)
As my daughter, Kristin, and I recently browsed through my last book, *30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family*, we came across a chapter entitled, *Vow To Be The Parent (Not Your Child's Best Friend)*. I had to laugh to myself because Kristin -- my third and youngest child -- is now 22 and married, and I know my days of "active parenting" are more or less over. She is now first and foremost a friend. As long as there is breath in me I will be her mother -- ready to provide counsel and advice as I am invited to share it. But I must be invited.
With "free" education offered in every town in the United States, a plethora of teachers who seem to be more than willing to take a role of authority in place of parents, and the convenience of sending our children to someone else to educate them, many parents have relinquished their role as the primary director of their children's education. Our kids spend more awake time in schoolrooms during their formative years than just about any other place. But it seems that most parents don't have a clue what their children are being taught.
We live in a culture that is all about "me, me, me." Take a stroll through the mall on any given day and you will see children whining when they can't have the latest toy or video game, while discouraged parents shrug their shoulders and give in. Hang around any retail store and it may seem like the "Gimme" generation is running the show. You hear an "I want this" and the register replies with a hearty "ch-ching!" Overindulging children instead of teaching them the value of *earning* what they receive is a big problem. It creates an unrealistic perception of life, turns our sons and daughters into "brats" and even weakens our nation and economy in the long-run. If our children don't learn the meaning of earning through practical and real experience as children, adulthood will hit them like a slap in the face. They will feel like they were thrown into the pool before they learned how to swim. Some will drown -- and some will cling to others and cause the great swimmers who feed the economy to be bogged down and maybe even drown too. Creating a sense of entitlement ruins individuals, and if we as a society create too many of them, the nation can come to ruin too.
Throughout history, men have left the warmth of home to light upon untamed lands. Scientists venture into the deep of the sea and the dark of the sky. Architects build bridges raw and powerful, stable on the brink of peril, with just enough room in the balancing act for doubt to make crossing an adventure. Danger appeals to us. As children, we typically dream of becoming heroes of a wild breed -- mountain climbers and lion tamers -- because we want to be brave.
If we're going to fight the toxins that constantly threaten our culture, we have to make certain that we go about it the right way. It's going to involve a lot of vigilance and courage on your part. It's going to mean keeping a sharp eye out for the most pernicious influences and taking stands that may not be very popular, either with your children or even with many other parents. But there's something else you have to do first if you're to succeed in creating a healthier culture and building a grounded, courageous, and fulfilled family. It's one of the most important things you can do because it provides a steady force, a place of comfort for your children in a harsh world, and more joy for you than you could ever imagine.
One of my favorite things to think about, talk about, and simply revel in is how much God loves design -- and to design. From detailed instructions on the decorations and colors to adorn garments; to specifics on the materials and dimensions of buildings; to dictates on the metals and the way that tools and objects should be cast and formed; the Bible is filled with accounts of God's intense interest and care in directing people to create beautiful, useful and meaningful clothing, textiles, tools and structures. The Scriptures reveal that God is quite specific, quite intentional, and quite demanding when it comes to design.
We all know that if we're going to make a positive difference in the world, our heart has to be in the right place. But it's keeping our heart in that right state that usually ends up being the biggest challenge. If the lyrics, "Bind my wandering heart to Thee" from *Come Thou Fount* have ever resonated in your heart like they have in mine, you know what I mean. In our culture, we don't particularly love the thought of rules. We tend to think of them as restrictive, or *binding*, if you will. But sometimes that binding element is exactly what we need to get our hearts to stay where we need them to in order for them to grow properly.
At some point in every man's life, he hears a voice of conscience (perhaps it is a faint whisper from God Himself) urging him to break loose from the suffocating bonds of lust or fear, which hold him against his will in either the endless search for more -- more wealth, more excitement, more control -- or the legalistic monotony of what some might call "religion." When a man hears that voice, he often thinks he knows what it will take to break free, yet simultaneously feels as though he has lost his way. (He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he were to break free.)
Have you ever stopped to consider why stories mean so much to us? Why do great books and great movies enrapture us the way they do? When you pick up your empty popcorn bag and slowly -- almost mournfully -- make your way out of the theater, or when you finally lay down a dearly loved book after you have turned the final page, the deep sense of longing we experience suggests to me that our hearts long for far more than mere entertainment. In *A Million Miles in a Thousand Years*, Donald Miller writes about the parallels between storytelling and living -- about how the elements that make a story compelling are the same elements that comprise a meaningful life.
My daughter told me this week about something she heard a speaker say at her church that really impressed her. When she shared it with me, it really got me thinking too. What he said wasn't particularly profound, but I've taken it to heart and it seems like God is having fun using it to reshape the way I operate. He said, "Churches everywhere are dying for their preferences." Let that sink in for a moment and consider the implications. I think it's safe to say that it isn't just churches that are dying for their preferences, but families and marriages as well.
In honor of all the fathers reading my column today, I diverge from my normal format to share a brief story that my daughter, Kristin Rebecca Carey, recently wrote about her dad -- my wonderful husband. My prayer is that it reminds you of your unending, tremendous influence on your own children.
Fighting the modern culture on a daily basis is tough. Today's families are busier than ever and it's so easy when you are tired or just plain worn out to throw in the towel and set your values aside. I know. I've been guilty of doing it myself sometimes. As a mother of three now grown children, I've had plenty of battles and challenges along the way. And I'm the first to admit that I've failed far too many times to uphold the standards I've said I believe in. As parents, too many of us are so fearful of losing that we never try; others give in or give up along the way. Many parents don't seem to realize that in today's world, you must fight to protect your child's innocence, their childhood, their character -- and their best futures. But it's a battle that's well-worth fighting.
"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..." The world's greatest poets, screen writers and story tellers could never pen more intimate words than those spoken by Adam when God created Eve to be his bride. I discovered anew this weekend at my daughter's wedding that the world is hungry for such intimacy, and that joy overflows from our very souls when we catch a glimpse of adoring love between others. Kristin became Mrs. Randy Carey in front of nearly 400 witnesses who felt the tremendous power of the Holy Spirit and the unconditional love He gives as they were united. All of our lives were impacted greatly by the story of these two young people who walked in fidelity throughout their courtship; who sought God together on their knees as they prepared for their wedding. Their primary desire was to be wed in a ceremony that would reflect God's immense love for all of us, and that would tell the beautiful story of His pursuit of each of us; of His longing for you and me to be as captured by His presence as Adam was by Eve in the Garden so long ago.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness…" Even though these truths are self-evident, it's important that we never forget that they are not self-actualizing. Man was made for freedom, but the vast majority are not born into it. As Ronald Reagan said on Memorial Day in 1983, "I don't have to tell you how fragile this precious gift of freedom is. Every time we hear, watch, or read the news, we are reminded that liberty is a rare commodity in this world."
Under the extremely liberal and near socialist reign of President Obama, it is easy to blame America's drifting away from its founding principles on Democrats. But the truth of the matter is that both parties are at fault and have lost their way -- especially the Republican Party. You can see the evidence of the loss of American values and freedom everywhere. We have become a "nanny state" marked by big government and outrageously high taxes. And both parties are contributing to the problem. Expansive government growth and control of the market place occurred under the leadership of Republicans before the Obama era at a rate so fast it boggles the mind. And although Obama and team have America now moving at lightning speed toward financial ruin, the current Republican establishment has America headed to the same destination, albeit at a slower rate. But the truth is, if you are headed to ruin, you are headed to ruin. What does it matter if you are on a rocket headed to hell or a train if you end up in the same place?
Mother's Day is a wonderful celebration -- a time when mothers are honored for their constant love and daily sacrifice, and when life itself is recognized and treasured as the gift that it is. But for many women who have had abortions, Mother's Day is one of the biggest triggers of painful memories, regrets, and remorse over what "might have been." My heart breaks for these women. Even though they accepted and believed the messages our society esteems so highly -- messages about a woman's right to choose and the importance of "family planning" -- these women have learned, through bitter experience, the truth that abortion is tragic for women.
How often do you gripe about high taxes, stupid laws and bad politicians? It is incredibly easy to become discouraged about the direction our country is heading. And when you are discouraged, it's even easier to start blaming and complaining. But why is it that we are so quick to complain and so slow to pray? Whether we feel it is justified or not, all our complaining and grumbling ends in is anger, bitterness and discontentment. Any parent understands that complaining isn't simply unproductive -- it is counter productive. Yet it comes so naturally when things don't work out the way we want them to.
