Columnist.
“Goodbye, Lone Star. Hello, inclusion,” said Talarico, unveiling the new flag design.
“This is really a kick in the gut. I really thought we had something special.”
“In just 48 hours, we managed to cut the price of stocks by a collective $2.9 trillion.”
“It’s not going to be safe to live here,” said Fort Worth resident Chris Wilson.
“I got a good deal due to all of the outstanding debt, which I will now pay off with whatever I happen to find under my couch cushions.”
Trump went to bed sobbing, knowing deep in his heart he would go down in history as the worst king America had ever had.
“Where am I going to fit 46 more stickers on my outfit? No one is experiencing more injustice than me right now.”
“It’s a new me, for a new era.”
“Ever wondered what it means to ‘think of what can be, unburdened by what has been’? Now, you can know!”
“We are offering one dollar more if you will keep your yapper shut.”
“We deserve to have our demands met regardless of how long we riot for.”
“I don’t want to come off as an election denier, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something fishy here.”
“With one of our nation’s congresswomen being outed for marrying her brother, it’s high time we recognize the beautiful subset of our community.”
“Only the government should have the power to redistribute wealth.”
“Quality Citizeship Center promises that all their lawyers come from best ‘lawyer learing centers’ in the state.”
“If Kentuckians can marry their cousins, why can’t I marry my brother?”
“We really didn’t expect this level of support from the French.”
“May Allah grant us victory against these infidels.”
“Everything that keeps me from winning should be eliminated.”
