After yet another assassination attempt on Donald Trump — or as The New York Times calls it, “what the FBI is calling an assassination attempt” — it’s time for Trump to hire Blackwater to do his security. (You can choose your own pronouns, but it’s up to the Times to decide if someone tried to assassinate you.)

My last suggestion along these lines was this:

“Dear Bureau of Prisons: Please get Jeffrey Epstein to a supermax prison pronto, or the people who want him dead will make sure we never know the truth. ACT NOW!” — posted on Twitter, 1:05 a.m., July 25, 2019

They didn’t move him, and three weeks later, Epstein was dead. I’d rather not be right this time, although neither he nor Trump built the wall.

You may have noticed that, instead of taking readers through the facts that lead to my point, I began with the conclusion. Trump isn’t known for being a detailed reader, so I had to put it up front.

But here’s my reasoning.

Contrary to the general public’s insane idea that the various U.S. intelligence and law enforcement agencies are all-knowing super sleuths, the truth is they know nothing about anything.

Only in Hollywood movies are intelligence agencies repositories of wisdom, courage and derring-do. In real life, a Secret Service agent isn’t Clint Eastwood, matching wits with evil genius John Malkovich to save the president’s life, but a bum passed out drunk in bed with a Colombian whore hours before President Barack Obama arrives for an international summit.

Let’s review just a few of the protective branches’ greatest hits, starting with the CIA, the most falsely admired agency. If nothing else comes of this column, I’d at least like to reduce the number of ignoramuses attributing superpowers to the CIA, as if we’re talking about James Bond and not Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

CIA, aka the Most Discredited Intel Agency on the Planet:

The CIA didn’t see 9/11 coming, couldn’t locate Osama bin Laden for a decade, had no inkling the USSR was on the verge of collapse throughout the ‘80s, and was stunned by the 1979 Iranian revolution.

This is all pretty common knowledge about an elite, top-secret agency with a billion-dollar budget, having been reported in major media outlets — e.g.:

— The New York Times, March 29, 1987: “The Central Intelligence Agency has concluded that the Soviet economy significantly improved last year, putting the agency at odds with some Western specialists.”

Months later, the USSR was bankrupt.

— The Washington Post, Dec. 8, 1985: “Five months before the downfall of the Shah of Iran, according to the Senate Intelligence Committee, the CIA concluded that 'Iran is not in a revolutionary or even a pre-revolutionary situation.’ A month later the [Defense Intelligence Agency] asserted that ‘the shah is expected to remain actively in power over the next 10 years.’”

In short order, the shah was fleeing for his life as hundreds of Americans were taken hostage by Islamic lunatics.

In another triumph for these all-knowing prophets, in 1999, NATO bombed the Chinese embassy in Belgrade by accident because the CIA had failed to update the addresses of foreign embassies.

Among the many enemy spies the CIA didn’t notice in its own ranks was Aldrich Ames, whose betrayal led to the execution or imprisonment of dozens of Soviet sources. Despite the fact that Ames was a drunk, an adulterer and living well beyond his means, the CIA didn’t realize he was a Soviet spy for eight years. Hey, anybody can have a bad few decades.

And don’t forget that, during the 2020 presidential campaign, it was former CIA acting director Michael Morell who organized the letter signed by “51 intelligence officers” claiming Hunter Biden’s laptop was “Russian disinformation.”

The only thing provable about CIA agents is that they know less about the world than anyone who isn’t a CIA agent.

FBI:

Which of these is your favorite FBI moment?

— A yearslong, multimillion-dollar Russia investigation instigated by a corrupt, Trump-hating FBI agent, who pushed the Hillary-supporting DOJ brass to sign off on multiple FISA warrants against American citizens, based on a nonsense “Russian dossier” compiled by someone being paid by the Hillary Clinton campaign.

— Shooting dead a woman holding her child, a 14-year-old boy, and a dog at Ruby Ridge.

— Incinerating more than 80 men, women and children to death in Waco, Texas (with assistance from crack ATF and DEA teams).

— Blowing off Phoenix FBI agent Ken Williams’ detailed memo two months before the 9/11 attack warning FBI higher-ups that a lot of Muslims were taking flight lessons, saying it looked like a “coordinated effort” by Osama bin Laden. Appalled by the agent’s Islamophobia, the bureau ignored his report.

— Clearing Islamic terrorist Omar Mateen shortly before he slaughtered 49 people at an Orlando nightclub.

— Refusing to follow up on repeated warnings about Parkland, Florida, mass shooter Nikolas Cruz.

— Dropping its investigation of recent school shooter Colt Gray because he told them his computer had been hacked.

At least under J. Edgar Hoover, the FBI was competent. Today, the bureau is the Social Justice Warrior version of the Keystone Cops.

Secret Service:

Rounding out this very brief review of the crackerjack performance of U.S. protective agencies is the one in the news this week, the Secret Service.

It’s bad enough that a dozen agents engaged in the aforementioned drunken whoring in Colombia while allegedly doing “advance work” for Obama in 2012. But guess how they were caught? One of the agents got into a screaming match with a Cartagena prostitute over her payment. Suggestion for a new Secret Service motto: Immoral and Stupid.

The following year, Secret Service agents were found passed out in the hallway of a Netherlands hotel the day before Obama arrived, and two other agents drunkenly wrecked a car in the Florida Keys. After that, the service issued a new rule: Agents must be sober for 12 hours before the beginning of their shift protecting the president. Good to know.

At least in Florida this week, Secret Service agents noticed that someone was pointing a gun at Trump. In 2011, illegal alien Oscar Ortega-Hernandez riddled the White House with bullets, but when a Secret Service agent tried to respond, his supervisor ordered him to stand down, saying there had been no shots fired. The shooting was only discovered days later, when an alert housekeeper found glass all over the floor where Ortega-Hernandez had shot out a window.

Although there are plenty of impressive individuals within these agencies — like Ken Williams, blown off by his superiors — they’re trapped in the maw of a criminally incompetent federal government.

After two assassination attempts on Trump within three months, it’s time to stop believing in Hollywood fantasies and get Trump some real security. He should hire Blackwater today.

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