Watching the vice-presidential debate last week, I realized that Gov. Tim Walz has a primitive’s understanding of cause-and-effect. It pairs nicely with his primitive’s understanding of representative democracy, economics, science, national security, deductive reasoning and the Electoral College.

As our country becomes more DEI-oriented (the heart and soul of the Democratic Party), we can expect to see a lot more problems with causal reasoning — not to be confused with casual reasoning, which seems to be Kamala Harris’ method of thinking. The “diverse” cultures the Democratic Party is hauling in are notoriously poor at grasping causality.

Thus, for example, in Africa, AIDS-infected men firmly believe that sex with a virgin cures AIDS, because witch doctors told them so. (Duh.) Like communism and recycling, the virgin rape plan has never actually worked. But despite that, and despite massive international education campaigns, the locals persist in seeking this “cure” even today, raping toddlers, their own daughters and babies in diapers — as documented in innumerable official reports.

Our completely harmless trading partners, the Chinese — also big “traditional medicine” devotees — believe that ingesting tiger penis is a cure for impotence. (The good news is, if you’re a man in Africa suffering from both AIDS and erectile dysfunction, have we gotta deal for you!)

The fanatical hunt for tiger penis to serve the Chinese market has put tigers on the endangered species list and already driven 3 of 8 tiger subspecies to extinction. Tiger poachers in India have slaughtered so many tigers that the population has cratered from 100,000 in the early 20th century to about 3,300 today. In China itself, the tiger population totals around 50. Not 50,000. Fifty.

At this point, conservationists think the only thing that might save the tiger from total extinction is the introduction of Viagra, because, unlike tiger penis soup, it actually works. (Which is awesome because if there’s one hellish tomorrow even I can’t imagine, it’s a world in which the population of China is declining even a teeny, tiny bit due to a national E.D. epidemic.)

Just last week, it was reported that administrators of a school in India sacrificed (murdered) an 11-year-old boy to make the school “prosperous,” in accordance with a Hindu Tantric ritual. To be fair, the results aren’t in yet. I think they’re waiting until the end of the school year to publish a final fiscal report. Fingers crossed!

The cause-and-effect logic of the cultures currently colonizing America is remarkably similar to Walz’s reasoning. It’s probably not a coincidence that he’s a major proponent of importing gigantic numbers of Somalis, Ethiopians and Indians to Minnesota. If you think Minnesota schools are prosperous now, just wait.

Here are a few of Walz’s cause-and-effect claims from the debate. They are bedrock beliefs of the entire Democratic Party, but most Democrats are smart enough not to make such comical statements in front of a national audience.

WALZ ON HOUSING:

“People with stable housing end up with stable jobs. People with stable housing have their kids able to get to school. All of those things in the long run end up saving our money.”

This is the logic behind every Democratic policy, also known as the chicken and the egg fallacy.

Democrats say: People with drive, initiative, character and a strong work ethic tend have stable housing … Therefore, if we give stable housing to people who could never figure it out on their own — PRESTO! — they’ll have drive, initiative, character, etc.

Result: Cabrini Green and hundreds more housing projects like it, marinating in gang warfare, drugs, trash, graffiti, shootings and other incidents of, you know, “stable housing.”

Democrats: People with drive, initiative, character and a strong work ethic tend to live in nice neighborhoods … So let’s move people in bad neighborhoods to better neighborhoods, and they’ll magically turn into people with drive, initiative, character, etc.

Result: A doubling of violent crime in cities with Section 8 housing (the program that moves poor people into neighborhoods beyond their means).

Democrats: So far, our plans are working GREAT. We need to think bigger. What works with neighborhoods might work for entire countries! People with drive, initiative, character and a strong work ethic tend to live in rich, well-functioning countries … Therefore, we’ll move vast swaths of the third world to our country, and the migrants will automatically acquire American drive, initiative, character, etc.

Result: Border towns that look like Tijuana, New York City turning into Caracas, Chicago as the North American base of the Sinaloa cartel, and “most wanted” lists that look like the faces carved into ancient Mayan ruins. Oh — and you have to press “1” for English when your house is being broken into and you desperately need the police.

WALZ ON SCHOOL SHOOTINGS:

“I’ve spent time in Finland and seen some Finnish schools. They don’t have this happen even though they have a high gun ownership rate in the country. There are reasonable things that we can do to make a difference.”

Amazing! How do the Finns do it?

I’m sure this is unrelated, but Finland is more than 90% white. With a population of about 5.5 million people, fewer than 400,000 are “foreign” — and more than 80% of the “foreign” are their fellow Western Europeans. Finland is probably the whitest country on Earth.

Although lacking “Our Greatest Strength,” Finland has been ranked the happiest country in the world for seven years running, according to studies by Gallup, the United Nations and the Oxford Wellbeing Research Centre. On the happiness scale, this cheerful Nordic nation is followed by other countries notable for their wild diversity: 2) Denmark, 3) Iceland, 4) Sweden, 5) Israel, 6) The Netherlands, 7) Norway, 8) Luxembourg, 9), Switzerland and 10) Australia.

Instead of looking at their gun policies, how about we compare the crime rate of Finland to the crime rate of Finnish immigrants to America?

WALZ ON TRUMP’S HANDLING OF THE ECONOMY:

“Donald Trump’s failure on COVID … led to the collapse of our economy. We were already, before COVID, in a manufacturing recession. But 10 million people out of work, largest percentage since the Great Depression, 9 million jobs closed on that.”

Effect: Economic crisis across the globe during a worldwide pandemic.

Cause — according to Walz: Trump’s economic policies.

Unless the governor can invent an amnesia machine that prevents anyone from remembering COVID, that’s an implausible claim to make, and by “implausible” I mean “completely retarded.”

I don’t even like Trump, but the facts are that the economy soared for three years under him, with unemployment, mortgage rates, inflation and gas prices at historic lows. Even when COVID struck (thanks, China!), the U.S. suffered less on every economic measure than Canada, the eurozone and the United Kingdom.

In terms of real GDP, final consumption and investment, the U.K. declined twice as much as the U.S. in 2020, and the others about 1 ½ times as much. (Probably because of Florida and other free states, but still.) That’s according to Joe Biden’s own Federal Reserve.

Considering Harris’ economic plans — reparations, windmills and the third world moving here en masse — we can only hope that Democrats will look into the tiger penis cure.

COPYRIGHT 2024 ANN COULTER