LOS ANGELES, CA — As the world looked on in shock while multiple wildfires ravaged areas outside of Los Angeles, California Governor Gavin Newsom held a press conference to assure victims that he was diverting millions of dollars toward the state’s emergency DEI initiatives.

Tens of thousands of residents had been ordered to evacuate as the fires spread across areas including Pasadena, Pacific Palisades, and the surrounding communities, with no indication that any of the blazes were close to being contained. Newsom vowed to not rest until much-needed relief funding was funneled to the state’s DEI programs.

“We’re doing our best to make sure monetary aid goes somewhere else,” Newsom told the media. “We’ve all been deeply affected by these wildfires. Me. My staff. Some fish nobody has heard of. As we confront this crisis, the important thing is that we remain focused on the primary goal — ensuring our government agencies and services are fully diverse and inclusive.”

One Pasadena resident who watched his home burn to the ground last night was relieved by the news. “Oh, I’m so grateful to hear that,” said Robert Henderson, who no longer has a place to live. “My family and I sat helplessly as everything we owned was destroyed, but it’s good to know that Governor Newsom is solving the problem by directing all available state funding toward DEI initiatives.”

At publishing time, Newsom’s office announced that the governor had called an emergency lunch at the French Laundry restaurant to address the growing wildfire crisis.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.